nin137

Nick's Journal
2005-03-24 03:38:19 (UTC)

I don't know what I'm doing!

i came to a stunning realization today as i walked back from
the train station. i really can't say that i know what i'm
doing. i can't nail one distinct premise on which i derived
a syllogism that would orchestrate some sort of rational
path that i had followed. it seems as though all of my
decisions hitherto have been quite rash. i don't even want
to justify them with the golden word of "intuition", because
that would only imply some sort of divine knowledge that i
have some how been able to grasp over the ages; ages which i
have not even lived.
i don't know what i am doing and i don't know what i have
done. then again i realized how much of my life has been
due to luck. i have simply said to myself,
"nick this is the way your life is going to go and that's that."
and then i get lucky. for 5 months i worked as a no-good
rotten temp at some large law firm that probably didn't know
i ever worked there. but i got to meet some great people,
and then this great job opened up for me. the thing is i
didn't even look for it, it found me. that's luck.
i've been chastized for luck, and i've been beating myself
up over it, but now i realize what's the point? it's one of
those circular logical dilemmas. you're unlucky because
you're unlucky enough to not have luck.
so i don't know what i'm doing and what i will do in the
future, and actually i am quite content. i take life as it
comes and i hardly ever plan. the only plan i have is some
sort of generic quasi-idealistic notion that i want to
"travel" in a year. i know a lot of people think i won't,
and that it is just some self-serving bias of mine, to
justify my locking myself down to a "steady-job". but
that's crazy, i am here in this journal entry to tell my
future self this:
nick, you were happy at this time. you loved your job, your
environment and be glad for the decisions you had made, even
if you STILL don't know why you made them. you haven't
wasted any of your time even if you haven't conformed to the
non-conformist view of most brash young men your age.
if you read this in one year and still don't know what the
fuck you're doing just remember, you haven't had a prior
life to this to draw some sort of precedent from (that you
can remember) so just wing it, hope that a little bit of
luck graces you, and do that thing where you just make
decisions based on absolutely nothing.
my past has worked along these idle lines that many have
condemned as reactionary, yet they have led me through a
life that is inexplicable. sure it has lent itself to its
share of disasters along the course, for who can really and
truly avoid a collision with some sort of impenetrable
blockade of reality as they go carelessly careening down
their highway of life? yes i have failed miserably, and i
have had some bad times in my life, but it just reminds me
of the (i think) grateful dead quote, "if everything's
coming your way, you're in the wrong lane".
i may not know what the fuck i'm doing and i may have to
rely on luck to bail me out half the time, but atleast i
know that i put my whole-hearted self behind my inadequacy
at choosing my destiny in life, and that's all i can really
hope to do.