Nangza Shaddur

quantum depression fetish
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2005-03-24 01:54:28 (UTC)

Hot and cold

Today was one of my off days, not off work in any sense,
but off as far as not feeling quite up to par. I started
the day off fine; muffin in one hand, energy drink in the
other. It was as the day progressed that I started to feel
depressed (although, as you will learn I hate that term and
will spend the better part of two minutes coming up with
some overly clever way of prevaracating about the subject).
Depression is a strange thing, and no doubt something you
could never understand had you not experienced it yourself.
Especially the untreated case, or as I might lovingly call
it, the "seasoned emotional warrior". Depression as you
well know, comes from an imbalance of chemicals in the
brain or bloodstream, I have too much of the one that makes
you feel bad, and after having been this way for a very
long time, I have become addicted to this chemical and will
not try to cheer myself up, I will remain in my state
purposely to drink the feeling in. (sorry for the long
description, but it makes what I am going to say next
pertinant). So I go to lunch, and I get back in just enough
time to clock in, and I had bought myself a 12 inch sub
sandwich and was eating after I clocked in. My boss
says, "Dont let the whole being at work thing interrupt
your eating." with an overly sarcastic lilt in his voice.
Of course I get pissed instantly (touchy huh?), and Im just
sulking in the back where I do most of my work. Well,
earlier on the guy came to clean our lights in the parking
lot so I gave him this spray stuff that was intended for
cleaning things like that, but we use it to clean our
hands. So Mike comes up to me asking where its at, so I
told him, and then he pulls the sarcastic, "Well I guess we
dont need it." So Im just that much more upset. About now,
Im in full gulp of my chemicals and if I had a gun in that
moment Id have just let go, I dont need my brains anyhow
right, and mom always said share, so Ill just give some to
the linoleum. So I try to eat bites of my sandwich while I
work, but its just making me sick to try to eat it, so I go
into the bathroom and put five cuts on my left hand. They
were small enough not to be noticed but big enough to draw
a little blood so I felt better. So I shuffle around the
store doing small tasks here and there to keep people from
talking to me, and eventually pull a ladder out to start
fixing bulbs in the fixtures. About halfway through fixing
the lights it was Rick's comment about how seagulls were
sea chicken that made me laugh and feel better. So then, I
feel kind of bad about being happy, but I figure Im done
being sad. So that was my day, and trust me I get a little
weirder than this, but I figure you cant drop pyscho on
someone all at once, you have to feed them slowly.