a girl in a world of loneliness

the one no one knows about
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2005-03-23 05:11:45 (UTC)

Long time no see

So yeah I haven't written in a while so here it
goes...Today has been an ok day. It wasn't my favorite day
of all but it was livable. I'd gotten an urge to listen to
Faith Hill and my favorite song. It's sad to me now for
some reason. I can see myself feeling that way yet I
can't. I scares me to realize that I want what I can't
have. I want what an adult woman wants. Love. The kind of
love that is cherished and respected and definitely shown.
I guess by reading so many Nora Roberts books, I've
fancied myself wanting what the women in those books get.
I want to find my mate and I know that it is not Richard.
I knew that the moment we really became serious. I tried
to love him but it was impossible. Now I stay with him
because I have nothing better to do and I'm sucked in to
believing that I could eventually love him and I'm afraid
to break it off. When and if I do, it would have to be for
real and I wouldn't be able to talk to him. For if I did,
I would hear the heartbreak in his voice and I would fall
apart knowing that I can't stand to hurt anyone, not even
for my own needs. Maybe he really doesn't love me and just
needs to believe he does to stay happy. It seems that way
because for the past few years, he seems to only want my
body. He doesn't have intelligent conversations with me
without grabbing a part of my body. I can't stand it and
when I say something, he gets mad because I should want
him as often as he wants me. He doesn't realize that there
are days I don't want to do anything except hang out and
talk. Those days when I do say something, He freaks
thinking I've done something with someone else. Bastard
can't even trust me. God! He is so frustrating. I know I
should be telling him this but the first thing out of his
mouth would be, "Fine, just break up with me". I know him
too well to know that he would say that. He may know my
moves and voices and attitude, but he knows nothing of my
mind. All he knows is that, intelligently, I'm stupid and
undereducated with what is happening in the world. Right
now, I don't care about the world just mine because I'm
living this one, not that one yet. When I do live in that
one, I'll be "more educated" in it. He has even made me
question myself with his joking about my stupidity. I hate
that he does that yet I haven't done anything to stop it.
Our relationship is all about him wanting my body and his
happiness in being with someone that gives it to him. I
don't think twice about it, well most times I don't
because I hate pissing him off. I guess that makes me a
coward. I'm a coward in many ways. I'm afraid to tell
Richard that I don't love him, that I don't want to be
with him. I haven't and didn't act on my feeling towards
Murphy when I had the chance. I'm just a plain old coward.
I have nothing better to do with my time than read, write
diaries, work, hang out with Richard and wish I was with
Murphy or that I felt a pang of something resembling love
but I don't. I can only hope and wish for my happiness to
come and that someday I'll be free of it all.

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