Ramblings of a Mom
2005-03-22 22:47:08 (UTC)

I am so bummed!

I am so down and out right now, and it just struck me all
of a sudden! My husband was told last Thursday that he was
going to have to go out of town the very next day, and we
didn’t know for how long. We were talking up to 5-9 days.
Then it goes down to he would go up Friday morning, and
would be back sometime late Saturday. He goes up Friday,
busts his butt, skips meals, and then, rather than just
spend the night in a hotel and come home the next morning,
he decides to come back home and surprise us. Well,
surprise! I wasn’t even home, I was out with our sons,
taking them to the Rodeo and Fairgrounds. That’s okay.

Then Monday he had to leave again, to go to one town to
pick up parts, and then go 4 hours North to work again. He
left Monday morning, and we hope that he will be home by
Thursday. He’s only been gone essentially two days, and
oh, how I miss him. I have all of these grand plans to get
the house completely clean before he comes home on
Thursday, but I just can’t get motivated to do it. I feel
lost without him. I keep looking for him to come home,
asking what’s for dinner, Pinhead? Instead, he’s not here.
It sounds so stupid, I know, but I miss him!

Things sure have changed since my last entry. We got into
a bit of a squabble one morning around the first of the
month, over the house not being clean enough, what else?
And it of course went into, well, when I do bust my butt to
clean it up, I got 2 kids, a dirty husband, and 4 animals
to mess it up right after me. And even if I do do
something extra special (scrub the showers, etc), I get no
compliments for it. He tells me how that is not who he
is. I say, yeah, I realize that, especially after not
getting anything for Christmas or Valentine’s Day. Well, I
hit a button. I’ve been with him for over 3 years now, and
I rarely see real emotion from him. That day he cried.
And not just once, but a few times. He tells me, I didn’t
have any money, is that what you wanted to hear? I didn’t
have any fucking money! It broke my heart. I was so sorry
for hurting him like that. This even all occurred before
he even found out that his mother has breast cancer (I
guess had now). She just had a mastectomy last week, and
got a good report yesterday, that they seem to have gotten
all of the cancer.

This occurrence (the dam breaking with him, so to speak)
has brought us closer than I ever thought that we could
be. I discovered that day that he had been holding this in
for almost a year. He has wanted to continue to do nice
things for me, as he has in the past, but didn’t want to
take away from our budget with the house to do it. He
feels like he has sold or done almost everything he could
to do buy nice things for me, and he has flat run out of
funds. For example, he sold his truck to buy my engagement
ring. At the time, we thought that he could buy another
one from work, and it turns out, that he can’t. So he got
rid of his own personal transportation and put us as a one-
car family, just so he could put a ring on my finger.

This hasn’t changed our sex life, though. The last time I
was laid was last year. December 30th, to be exact. But
that doesn’t make it okay for someone (other than my
husband) to ask for sexual contact from me. I am
struggling with the information that there have been a
couple of folks trying to make trouble for us. And I
honestly don’t like it. I’ll touch more on that later.
I’ve got to get a couple of boys fed and cleaned up to go
to a “dog class”.

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