calla

Tears of a Blood Stained Rose
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2005-03-22 05:50:51 (UTC)

Endless Night

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night


I’m sitting here not sure why I am writing this. Maybe I’ll
delete this later. Maybe it’s a result from the aftermath of
all the stress… For a week now my heart has been feeling…
pressed. I figured some of it out. Some of it makes me sad
to figure out, but I can deal with it. But all the same, I
feel like my “home is an empty dream, lost to the night”
right now. Not so much as a reflection on my parents… My
parents are doing their best to get us all by.

There’s reasons why I don’t let myself feel my feelings… Or
rather why I never consider them, and choose not to speak of
them. Besides I’m only one person… I do not matter.

I’m going to take a chance at thinking maybe Roger doesn’t
read this thing now that he has the transcript. I think
we’re both scared of each other… he has his own past, I have
mine. Our problem is rooted in the same thing- the pain of
the past. I’m frightened of getting involved with someone
cause I don’t want to end up in another disaster… either on
his side or mine. My family is traditional and protective.
I’m always proud of them, except when it comes to my matters
of romance and relationships. Ever seen “My Big Fat Greek
Wedding”? That’s my family. -___- All is well and good until
the thing comes along that they expect certain things from
the guys I date that people just don’t do anymore. I’m not
necessarily ashamed of them, just more it makes me nervous.
We’re like the non-eccentric version of the Addam’s Family
or something. We expect chivalry and traditional… stuff…
There is also the fact that most guys just don’t get my
relationship with my parents… or I should American guys
don’t. I have noticed that foriegn men do.

But there is also me, myself. I’m an odd little creature as
a person said once. And I don’t talk. Mainly cause oral
speech has never been my strong point, and cause I never
have anything to say really. Well, nothing I consider of
interest. Even in written form. I guess I just can’t see why
anyone would want me. I hope if he comes here he doesn’t
expect much. I’m nothing to brag about and well… No matter
how I may feel you can’t force someone to enjoy themselves
in an environment they just can’t. I like it here. I like
the way I live basically. Yes, I crave the love and
affection of another… and I get lonely more times than
people probably think. But until someone can show me there’s
nothing wrong with me… I have to assume it’s me that turns
people off when they come.

The truth is, I’ve been hurt so many times that it doesn’t
even hurt anymore, it just feels numb, after so long you
learn to build a wall around yourself so people can’t come
in unless you let them. After so long you learn not to trust
yourself in love. You learn not to let yourself fall in love
with someone. What am I like when I’m in love? I spare
nothing and want to do nothing more than make that person
happy, to a point I don’t even think about myself. They
become my world. And I cling on to them tightly. The last
person I was with wanted water from the moon basically. He
kept pushing and testing my boundaries to the point that I
had to set my foot down and say enough’s enough. No matter
how much I loved him and continued to show it, he kept
wanting more… more than what I was able to give… especially
at the moment. No matter how much I love someone I can’t
have sexual relations with them until after I am married to
them. Not because I don’t want to share that intimacy with
them- but because it is not mine to give until they claim me
in that regard. There are people I would make love to if
they wanted me to. Either because I love them so much that I
know I can deny them really nothing, or because I know it
will never happen. I date guys I know I can safely stay in
this realm with of keeping my vows, but also ones I feel I
could love forever and a day if it happens. In short, I do
believe in the marriage vows... til death do you part, and
there is basically an element to being bound to that person
that leaves you open to knowing it's always a safe haven
with this person. They'll still be there tomorrow, you can
still love them the next day and they won't hurt you even if
you argue.

Also, it’s not that I don’t want to be in love with someone
when I marry them… it’s because to me I know it will fade
and turn into something else over time. I never said I
absolutely will not be in love with the person if I was to
marry them… In fact I know the moment I will fall in love
with someone else besides Chris and I can safely give them
my heart. Call it stupid… call it a sign of it all… but I
have set my way out of knowing it. And I know when I see it
married or not… I will fall in love with him. I am not
talking about Roger or Chris… I’m talking in general. I also
know he will not make me feel trapped. The power of the
words “I love you” gives to another person is unbearable
after a while. Cause once those words are spoken, you can
never take them back. And you’re basically telling this
person that you are giving them the power to hurt you in a
way that can destroy you, or trusting them to not do so.

And every time I have fallen in love with someone… I end up
with more painful memories than with pleasant ones. Mind
games played, promises unkept and a heart full of tears. And
after it happens so many times is it even possible to trust
someone to not hurt you again? How do you pick up those
pieces? I supposedly have a lot of strength… but not in this
regard. This is my weakness… the desire to love someone is
there… but the fear of what will happen keeps me from moving
forward. Even with the power of empathy I can not totally
read someone. But at this point I just want SOMEONE to prove
to me that I’m wrong. That love doesn’t have to be like
this. That this wall isn’t necessary… That it will not
always lead to pain. In short, I want to find my way home…

I was made to be with Chris… but that future is lost. And it
is possible to be in love with 2 people at once. I know…
What I have to do is just make room for another. But I
promised Chris I would leave a way for him to find me… but I
don’t look for him to even try. Not because of it not being
right… but because the way is so miniscule… that unless he
was listening hard he couldn’t hear me. As it is… yes, I am
very lonely for him right now. But it’s hopeless as is the
rest of everything else.


As it is I think these are wasted words… not mattering to
anyone. Or making sense. There are other things I’ve been
keeping to myself… things I want so much to say but know it
is best if I do not. But they press on my heart so much that
it brings tears to my eyes. However, I know some things are
best kept locked up… some desires should not be tasted. And
some feelings and thoughts should be repressed… else the
things you cherish most possibly slipping away.

Home is an empty dream… lost to the night. And the night’s
protective veil can cover me in its dark cloth so my tears
will be left unseen.

Perhaps I don’t let myself think about myself for the sake
that I know if I do, I can’t help but feel the pain inside.
I have a lot to be happy about. I know when I am happiest
and who I am happiest around, so I know it is not constant…
But still in the night why can’t I let myself be when
they’re not around? I know why… Because they’re my home, and
I cling so tightly too them… I even frighten myself. I’m so
used to people leaving me over it… that the fact that they
don’t makes me hold on tighter until I know they won’t… I’m
still trying to comprehend after all this time that they won’t.

I tried explaining this to Roger last night… But you can’t.
And there’s some things… I’m just not ready to share yet…
until I know what to think about him. To take him seriously…
or to think of him as a whim. Right now I have to think of
him as one of my pets, otherwise I’ll start holding on too
tight and getting to serious… and then he will leave. So…
I’m going to back off. Whether he wants me to or not. And
he’s going to do all the talking until I know what to do. I
don’t play games. Not these type… and while I see something
in him, and gentleness I’ve only seen in two others, it
means nothing until I know where I stand… and let him call
the shots.

I have other things to work out. My own heart though
aches… and again… it has to stay in the night.


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