ShadowDawn

aRegretfulSerenity
2005-03-22 00:41:06 (UTC)

ditched

im an idiot. im a fuckin inconciderate fool and somebody
should shoot me. the world would do better off w/o me. one
less person to hurt everyone else. i never ment to hurt
her, and im sorry i did. but a simple sorry doesnt change
jack shit. all i did was prove myself rite. i proved that i
would be the one to screw this up, and look what happened.
i remember saying in the beginning that i was afraid of
myself. afraid that i would end up tearing this apart, w/o
even knowing it. so i guess i proved both of us rite.
today she asked me if i wanted to go run some errands
with her. that alone made my day. she actually asked me to
hang out! i was beginning to think she didnt really wanna
be around me. at least not on a casual basis. for awhile
there, i was the cryiong shoulder. now dont get me wrong. i
want to be there for her. i love the fact that she can come
to me whn things go wrong. but i wished she would seek me
out other times too. at least that way, i kno SHE wants to
hang out with ME, not the other way around which it
normally feels like. unfortunately, she feels almost the
saem way. she feels like i dont concider her as good a
friend as she conciders me. we straightened all that out
last nite, and 2day she made an effort.
coming back from philosophy, me and my roomie planned to
go to lunch after we put our books back. but i came back
and mal said she was going to run some errands and asked if
i wanted to come. of course i said yes, and told kristen i
wasnt going to lunch anymore. i was almost stunned she
asked me to tag along. shes never asked me anything like
that before, and it turned an otherwise blah day into a
great one. but me being the jackass i am, screwed all that
up.
first we tried to find the taylor so mal could get her
pants hemmed, but they were closed, so we went to walmart,
so i could get a contact case and a new flat iron since my
wz broken. then we went to subway so i could actually get
lunch. then coming back to the dorm, i saw moore, kate n
aka down the hill and they yelled at me to go meet them.
knowing that mal had a still very long list of things to
do, like hoework, studying, and other such things like
waxing her eyebrows er sumthin, i said that id join them.
so mal went to the dorm and i went with the others. that
was my mistake.
im such an ass. i completely ditched her. to hang out
with kids who dont mean nearly as much to me as she does.
but me being the inconciderate one, assumed she wouldnt
mind, seeing as how she still had a whole to-do list.
i cant believe i fucking ditched her. especially after
our entire conversation about not feeling that important to
the other. she tried so hard to make an effort on her part
to change that, and i go and do exactly wht she was afraid
of.
i cant imagening whts going thru her head rite now. i
backstabbed her. she already feels isolated, shes told me
im the only one she can talk to, then i go do sumthing like
this. she must feel so alone rite now. i hurt her bad, just
by walking away, leaving at the door. shes beyond hurt rite
now. angry. numb. i cant believe im so inconciderate as to
hurt someone who means so much to me that bad.
i took my air force fitness test today. got a really good
scre. my motivation: the anger i had towards myself. i
pushed myself almost beyond my limits, making myself hurt.
yea, i conciously did it. i kept telling myself "this is
nothing. this pain is nothing compared to wht i put her
through." so i pushed myself even more, just to feel more
pain. there is no way i could even begin to imagine wht
shes going thru, but maybe thru this physical pain, i can
start. her pain wont go away, but mine will heal. and yet,
i found myself so many times wishing it wouldnt. rite now,
my shins hurt, my knuckles and throbbing, and i have a deep
pain inside the right side of my brain, and i wish it was
permenent. maybe then i can start to settle the score i
started. maybe then i can teach myself a needed lesson.

if only it really was permenent...




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