Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2005-03-21 23:38:05 (UTC)

Blood, Guts, Sweat, And More Blood

It's 0321, Monday. 610pm. No change in weather.

I started another journal. Despite my initial plans to
restrict all stories to this journal, I thought I would
keep them seperate.

In retrospect, I think I'm wasting space. Probably because,
I don't see myself writing often in that journal. I want to
write short stories, but I can't see myself ever finishing
them.

I just ... see scenes. Maybe I should have entitletd my
journal as saying, short scenes instead of short stories.

At anyrate, I doubt I'll actually get around to finishing a
story. Even if it is short. We'll see.

I haven't gotten around to finishing anything, as of late.
I shold have familiarized myself with the structure of b-
trees. I found out that data is stored in the leaves, not
the actual nodes themselves. Sucks to be me, then.

In other news, Lori and I managed to accrue a copy of
Brothers in Arms. A world war 2, first person shooter which
is suppose to feature the idea of squad tactics and
infantry maneuvers. That is, instead of seeing who is the
fastest most accurate shooter, we're going to see who's
smarter in terms of flanking and the application of squad
tactics under various tactical situations.

Saying all that about a computer game, makes me want to go
out and down a few beers, drive a monster truck over a few
cheap cars, and pick up some cheap hooker to fuck ... just
to gain back any masculinity points I might have lost in
that last paragraph.

Sometimes, I don't think I'm masculine enough. Although
thinking and knowing are two different things. I have an
interest in war, I have an interest in guns. I don't drink,
but I know how beer has been made over the course of human
civilization. I don't enjoy cheap meaningless sex with a
person who I don't know, but I wouldn't mind mindless sex
with the person I'm emotionally and intellectually
attatched towards. I'm a pacifist, yet I've studied war
quite a bit. Almost, obsessively. Violence, is an
interesting tool of choice. The idea of monster trucks
doesn't appeal to me, yet the physics surrounding internal
combustion engines does. I could hike, camp, and live in
the jungle for weeks. But, the idea of sports, doesn't
appeal to me. I work out, and do weights. Well, ... I try.
I've studied that science in great detail, more than a
person who might frequent the gym on a daily basis.

I could remove your lungs if need be. ... Not that, I could
ever think of a time that would be even remotely fucking
necessary. But you know, I'm just trying to show that I'm
masculine. I mean, what could be more masculine than
something gritty, dirty, disgusting, and involving the
option of blood?

Of course, the idea of being masculine has somewhat faded
with time. I think. Nowadays, it's all about metrosexuals.

You know, great skin, great hair, and ... nice looking. Who
wants to date someone who's dripping with blood? Not even
their own blood, for that matter. Why are they holding a
bare lung in one hand?

At anyrate, I'm just happy to be able to play with Lori. I
suppose, at this moment, that's all that really matters.
Accepting that you are this way, and learning to be happy
with who you are. Not trying to fit into what someone
else's idea of who you should be. Rather, ... learning
about yourself and knowing who you are.

Afterall,

Knowing what sort of person you are, already guarantees you
half a victory. Sun Tzu.




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