Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
Ad 2:
2005-03-21 02:24:20 (UTC)

Numb and Lost

...that's how I feel right now. Listless, too, probably
not surprisingly.

I thought I was okay. I thought I could come in here and
write my rant about the last week and get it out of my
system but I was completely wrong. The energy it's taking
me to sit here and write even this boring bullshit drivel
is enormous. I have no compunction, motivation and energy
to write anything. My mind is a blank slate. I have
nothing to say.

Because if I let it unblank I'd write and rant and never
stop and I think right now it might literally destroy me.

I tried to think about things a few minutes ago, to try to
put some order into the simmering, swirling thoughts
underyling my consciousness, and in a blink of an eye I
felt the tears coming. Instead of allowing that, I shut
down, immediately.

I wanted to have my story done by the end of February. I
lost the impetus and suddenly I couldn't write a word.
The other day, finally, I was able to really start back in
on it...and now, nothing. I can't write if I can't feel -
especially angry, but at least feel something - and I'm
not allowed to feel right now. I wanted to have it done
by the end of March. That likely isn't going to happen

It's 2033 on Sunday night and...[-fights a sudden strong
intrustion of tears-]...I've wasted my weekend (hilight:
I got to see Duke win v. MS State, thankfully, was touch
and go there for a while and now Coach K is the winningest
NCAA tournament coach in history, edging out Dean Smith, I
believe). As usual. Did a few things that I had to do,
was bought an iPod shuffle and love then proceded to treat
my boyfriend like shit this morning, a day after he was so
nice and wonderful to buy it for me (I hadn't asked, it
was a surprise), ranted to him about my parents a few
times, slept, set up my parents' e-mail, didn't talk to my
boyfriend for the balance of the day over something stupid
and the result was we both felt like shit (I stop talking
and ignore him, he badgers me, "What's wrong, what's
wrong, what's wrong" like a kid who knows it drives his
parents nuts when he says incessantly, "But why? but
why? but why?"). I slept again. Skipped the gym.
Amazingly I've only gained a half pound in what is now at
least a good solid month of not going to the gym -
probably more like almost 2 months now. Am absolutely
dreading going to work tomorrow. I had a lot to do. Did

Feeling stupid and useless and worthless has to be among
the worst feelings in the world. [-feels tears but fends
them off-]

[-angry bitter voice-] I think it's about time that I
wrap my fucking head around the fact that I WILL NEVER
FUCKING GET IT RIGHT. All of my talk about not wanting
this to be my destiny or fate, not wanting this for my
life, everyone saying how smart and talented I am, how I
have ever door open for me...[-fights the tears hard-]
Bad fucking choice of words there, the door... b/c it's a
lie. I have no doors open to me, or so it seems. None
but one - the only one where I am most certainly not
allowed to walk through right now.

I want to write. I want to do a lot of things. Instead,
I'm sitting here doing nothing. Writing a boring fucking
entry, hating myself (well no...I'm not feeling enough to
hate myself right now, but it's still there, it always
is), realising just how destructive I have been in the
past to me and those around me and how it will always
continue, how I've ruined my relationship with almost
everyone I know...I look around and wonder how the hell
this could happen to the proverbial "someone like
me"...but I digress, as per fucking usual...

I made pizza tonight. Not from scratch, like I usually
do, but it is really good anyway. I fought with my
boyfriend over the dumbest fucking thing (it was a
nonsense fight, I just decided to pitch a fucking fit b/c
it's all I'm good at, fucking bitch that I can be),
slammed the bathroom door and subsequently almost had to
ask him for his help to get the door back open (this
happened once before and I did have to ask, talk about
putting one's tail between one's legs) then proceded to
shut him out with the silent treatment for a few hours,
including a few when I went back to bed. I finally re-did
my hair yesterday with a wash out dye, to fix the parts
that were growing in blonde and to even out the old red a
bit, and to my surprise, it actually looks really good.
I'm saying that. Fall over. I never say I look good
(though I suppose I didn't actually say I look good then,
did I? It looks good on me.).

I saw my counselor yesterday, with my boyfriend, and it
wasn't as bad as I expected but it's pissing me off
nonetheless. I have a whole entry planned on that but I'm
liable to never get to it. He didn't slam me for
my "affair", he wasn't impressed my diary was read (though
my boyfriend stated, "there is some question as to whether
or not permission was given" at which point I turned to
him and said, "Did you ask my permission?" No. "Then you
didn't have permission.") but now, suddenly, both of us
are supposed to put everything aside and start again (he
asked me what I wanted, and I said to start again b/c
nothing else will solve the problems in my opinion) and
write heartfelt letters of forgiveness/apology to each
other to be read next week and a list of things we need
from each other...and I want to gag b/c it all feels so
fucking contrived to me. He also mentioned that he's had
a few clients - women - who suspected their husbands were
having online affairs or visiting sites they shouldn't and
after they tried everything else, he advised them to put
spyware on the computer to see if the truth was being
told. I about lost my temper. He said, "Is it an
invasion of privacy? Yes. But everything else has been
tried and it's the only way to find out." You know what?
If I ever get to the point with someone that I am putting
spyware on the computer there had better be a really damn
good reason for it and I'm not sure that is it. With that
level of distrust, isn't it better just to cut the losses
and walk? I guess I'm being over-simplistic. I guess
there are times when I might do it - most notably if I
thought my stuff was being broken into - but I don't know
that I would be able to do it if I thought my boyfriend
was dallying with some other person on line. I don't
know. It just seems...like if that trust is gone so
low... I mean, I would want to know. Yeah, I'm like it,
it would drive me nuts not knowing. But...I just...I'm
such a privacy hawk, I don't know that I could do it to
someone else to catch them doing something on their own.
Maybe to catch them hacking into my stuff, as I said...
maybe if I thought I were being played for a fool on the
online affair but it would have to be a very last resort
and the one that would just give my reason to walk. I
mean...if I ever got to that point...it would be like...
fuck you, I saw what you did and I'm leaving. It wouldn't
be b/c I thought it would be a way to catch someone in the
act then to try to repair the relationship. Maybe if
there were kids. I don't know. I really ... I really
can't see myself giving myself permission to spy on
someone like that. I think there are instances, outside
affairs, whatever, that it might be warranted, but if I
don't trust someone to be faithful to me, the fact of
having been led to this level of distrust...I think that
would be the telling point that I should go, not the
actual did it happen or not... I don't know. And I'm
making no sense. I'd rather it be on the computer to
prove someone is telling the truth and nothing was going
on. But again...that still spells trouble.

My mother suspected my father of having an affair. Broke
into his e-mail. She felt perfectly justified. I was
absolutely aghast. She wanted me to tell her that it was
okay, in a round about way. I couldn't. I just couldn't
do it. She wanted me to print the e-mail because the
printer at home wasn't working (it was, in the end,
working). I couldn't do it. I said, you know, I really
don't feel comfortable becoming this involved in something
like this. I don't think a daughter should have to play a
role in helping her mother incriminate her father when
it's nothing "horrible" (I mean, we aren't talking
criminal activity...that might be different...).
Devastating, yes, but nothing on the scale that I am
willing to participate in breaking someone's privacy. I
know it hurt her but I couldn't in good conscience do it.
The most I could bring myself to do was download the
printer driver they needed for the printer to work - the
printer which is used for many other things than printing
off illicit e-mails. There is a marked difference,
though. My father's affair was physical. Even my
counselor made sure to point out that what I did had to be
marked as distinct from having a physical affair. I guess
he's right. I mean, I know on many levels he's right. On
some, he's probably wrong because intimacy can be
emotional, too, but I wasn't about to remind everyone of
that. My boyfriend didn't go into much detail about what
he read. I sort of wish he had. I sort of wish he had
sat there and said how pissed off and angry he is at me
but he didn't. I don't understand. I heard his
explanations and my counselor didn't quite buy that he was
as calm about it as he said, but what could he do? My
boyfriend explained why he was calm, and so it had to be
accepted. Counselor asked, "Do you feel threatened by
this man?" Boyfriend says no. I guess that's good. I'm
still not sure I believe it. We'll see how things go.

Deadwood is starting. I have to go. I said I would watch
it tonight.

I hate what is happening in my life right now. My actions
aside - it's all going wrong. There are some things I can
control. Most things I can't. The fact I did something I
shouldn't have isn't showing up on the radar as much as I
thought. I think b/c we're both burying it. That scares
me. I don't trust it. AT ALL.

And now, we are both supposed to forget everything, after
we talked about it for an hour, and start with a blank
slate. My boyfriend is all gung-ho. Of course we can do
that! I, of course, am the damn problem. I characterised
myself as a lying cheating bitch during our appointment.
Said, "Even working on the premise that I'm a lying
cheating bitch..." My counselor tried to stop me from
saying it and I just said, "Listen, it's a premise, I'm
not changing it," so he had to let me go on with it. Even
working on that premise - I don't know that I can do
this. I'm not built to just forgive and forget. My
boyfriend might be - and I think that is so unhealthy,
maybe even worse than my penchant for holding on to
everything - but I am not. But I said I would try.

And so it begins. Day 1 today of what is going to be my
newest round of personal hell for a time as of yet
undetermined. I stepped away yesterday. My boyfriend
says YWSBN and I can still be friends, but he doesn't
trust him to not try to start something with me again.
I'm the one who can't be trusted, in my eyes. Then again,
I think the temptation with both of us would be pretty
strong - if for no other reason than it's just so fucking
natural and it feels like we've known each other literally
forever. I stepped away yesterday and it's all I can do
to keep my head on my shoulders. I can't afford to feel.
My walls are up. If I feel I will lose it. I don't know
how I'm going to make it through the next minutes let
alone the next hours or days or weeks. It's not just this
one particular thing, though it's a big part especially
given I've not only stepped away from someone who brings
me immense joy - even on our worst days together - but my
best friend - the only person on this earth who knows me
better than my boyfriend. I don't know how I'm going to
make it through a week at my crappy job, though I get
Friday and then Monday next off for Easter. I stepped
away yesterday and received the most beautiful e-mail
about it, one that I wasn't really expecting, one that has
a last paragraph burned into my psyche forever and ever...
I stepped away and I know I'll be back, it's inevitable,
in what reincarnation of relationship or life I don't
know, but it will happen. I don't know when. And that
makes it even worse, like being cut adrift and floating
aimlessly. At least last time we had a definitely time
frame. The time frame set hurts and hinders. Without
one, maybe I will be forced to forget for a while and
really concentrate on things at hand. Without one, maybe
I will be forced to relive and replay things and memories
in my mind. Both are plausible. Likely, even. Both
scare me, for reasons too much the same. It's going to
have to be longer this time, I think. I thought maybe 3
months, but I didn't even quite say that, though I did
say "How's June looking for you?"

But I can guarantee one thing. It will only last 3 months
if things between my boyfriend and I start to look up. It
will last 1 if things really start to deteriorate. I
guess we should all be rooting for a long stepping away.
Really, it's in everyone's best interests, right? I'll be
happy, my boyfriend will be happy, and YWSBN will be happy
that I'm happy. It leaves him the lone guy not being
happy for himself though and that tears me up. Then
again, if my boyfriend and I aren't meant to work out,
maybe we should just hope it all goes to hell immediately
so we can finally end this charade of a relationship. But
then he'll be the one unhappy and that will tear me up too
because I love him dearly. I really do. I guess that's
the problem right there - the word dearly. My mother once
said she loved my father dearly and it occurred to me that
that meant she wasn't in love with him. I don't know.
Maybe you don't have to be wildly, passionately or
tenderly in love with the person you will spend your life
with. Perhaps being happy together is all that should
matter. I'm not built to accept things like that,
though. Not built to accept not doing things full bore
and intensely. I always feel like something's missing.
I've always been like this - a good sign nothing in that
respect will change.

This really fucking sucks. Everything reminds me of him -
and now that baseball season is getting underway, it'll be
hell. Oh my god will it ever be hell on the memories
department. But baseball is such a small part of the
giant collage of things I see that remind me of him every
day...strange, since he's such a baseball man but still...
we've always had so much more than just a few things in
common...which is why we've lasted through so much shit, I
think...we just...are...so...fucking...compatible...the
universe...screwed up...somewhere... My boyfriend and I
used to be like that until something changed. He moved
here and things fucking changed. I don't even want to
think about it. It upsets me too much.

I think this turned into a rant, though a dispassionate
one, despite what I thought would happen. Sorry. [-sigh-
] I don't even care who reads this any more. I'm not
stopping writing in here. I can't. I'm not giving up
what is now my only outlet.

There is one more thing I can guarantee about this time
away. I'm going to end up more focused on my goals (or
more destructive over them) and a lot thinner and fitter
because starting tomorrow I'm going back to the gym and
I'm not missing a day. Forget it. I have no other
outlet. Swimming, let me tell you, is a hell of a way to
get out the frustrations - except sometimes I get so lost
in my thoughts that I look up and my goggles are filled
with water and it's not the pool water, it's tears... I
don't care how shitty I look in a bathing suit, I've
gotten over that, even though I still make mean comments
to myself. I just try not to look in the mirror. I'm
going to turn into myself, I can already feel it. In that
respect, stepping away might not be such a great idea. I
already spend so much time trapped in my head I'm not sure
that extra hours are what's needed there. But we'll see.

And so it starts. Day 1. I can do this - tomorrow or the
next day I'll know that I can't - but I only think that
right now b/c the horrible shredding feeling inside hasn't
hit me yet and it won't hit me for a while. I've made
sure of that. Shut myself down far enough to make sure of
that. Sporadic feelings, yes, but nothing sustained, not
yet. I'm too fucking angry for that right now. And I
haven't stepped away completely. I still have one more e-
mail to send. He won't be around for my birthday.
Normally I try to play down my birthday but in the last
few years, it's a day that seems to bring sad or
frustrating things with it. This year promises to be
nothing else - though his son is graduating, so that will
at least keep me a bit happier that we can't communicate
b/c it wouldn't have happened anyway.

All I ask through all this is that at least my writing
come back to me. Without it, I will be even more lost and
aimless and useless than I already feel. Without it, this
will most certainly be unbearable. Goddamn it, guys, come
back to me already...let me finish your story...it's going
to be a good finish, I promise...

I got through this without crying. Those are a good set
of walls I tell you. Fuck...

Yours in soul-numbing listlessness,