2005-03-19 03:48:04 (UTC)


I have come to be able to describe a lot of things in my
life as "Bittersweet". For one, Justin's being in Iraq.
It's horrible b/c i hate being alone and miss him so much,
but it's good b/c we are able to put back a lot of money so
we can buy a house when he gets home. It's bad b/c there is
no one to take care of me when i'm really sick, but it's
good b/c i have full medical insuracne so i'm able to get

This past week felt bittersweet. It was nice monday
tuesday and wednesday b/c i got to talk to justin each day,
and monday night we even got to talk for 4 1/2 hours. But
tuesday we got into a kind of sort of fight. You may be
wondering, how can 2 people that are 1000s of miles from
each other argue? Oh but they can. See, i've always been
very self-concious about my looks. I feel very ugly and
unattractive, always have. Justin is a cutie, and i'm
always afraid that some other girl that is much pretier
than me will come along and take him away. I have always
been very jealous over him. I want him all to myself and
i'm not afriad to admit that (at least i'm honest!!) Well,
in the last package his dad and julie sent to him they sent
some motorcycle magazines. Well if you have ever looked at
these magazines you'll note that the people that make them
deem it necessary to put drape women over the morotcycles.
In my opinion, these are sad sad women. Worthless if you
ask me. Why? b.c they use their looks to make money.
Personaly, i see that as an easy way out. Do they have to
work for the money? No, they just get their picture taken.
To me, that screams i have no intelligence whatsover. I
feel i am nothing like that. I surely don't look like that,
but i know i'm smarter than that. Well, Tuesday Justin sent
me some pictures of himself, and after looking at them, i
noticed that on his wall was a motorcycle picture, but one
of the ones with a girl in it. I immediately went off on
him. I told him that really hurt my feelings, b/c it made
me feel very unattractive b/c if that's the kind of woman
he wants to look at then he definitely isn't getting it
from me b/c i don't look like that. I really feel that way.
I mean, if that's the kind of woman he likes, how can he
possibly like me when i'm nothing like that? he told me he
only put that picture up b/c he liked that motorcycle, and
i guess i beleive him, but it still hurts. He knows i have
issues and feel unloved, and then he does something like
that and makes it worse. I really don't think he did it on
purpose, but the fact that he didn't think about my
feelings was painful. Not to mention the fact that all the
pictures on the wall were motorcycles, none of me. that
hurt my feelings. but he said he didn't have any pictures
of me on paper, just on his laptop and in hs email.
Anwyway, i guess i still haven't really gotten over it. I
mean, what am i supposed to do, pretend something didn't
hurt my feelings? I can't help it if i'm hurt. But how can
i be mad at him? he is 1000's of miles away in a dangerous
situation, and what if i gripe at him and then something
happens to him i couldn't live with myself. But at the same
time it's hard to keep my true emotions bottled up. So
Wednesday i tried to act like nothing was wrong. i guess he
beleived me, i don't know. I haven't talked to him since
then so who knows. I just wanna be loved like anyone else.
And when something happens that makes me feel less loved, i
get very very hurt and it takes me a long time to get over
it. Maybe thats something i need to work on more, letting
things go...........

Oh well anyway. I haven't done much the past couple
days. Wednesday i ran around to much doing errands and made
myself sick. was stuck in bed thursday. Today i felt a
little better but still tired. It was quiet in the house
today. Jay has gone back to north carolina again for court.
If he gets convicted, he could get i think up to 5 years.
If not, he will be back wednesday. and this weekend Bob has
drill in Dallas, and Jordan is at a friends, so it's just
me and mom. We decided to go out somewhere the guys
probably wouldn't ever go, so we went to Taliono's, a great
italian restaurant. I had chicken parmegana and it was
wonderful. And it was nice to spend time with mom. I think
i'm starting to figure her out. I think that when she was
younger (since she was adopted and everything) she wasn't
shown a whole lot of love, and that's why she has trouble
showing it now. It's not that she doesn't care about me,
it's just easier for her to have a friendship with me
instead of acting like a mother. Also, my grannie was very
strict on her when she was little, and it made mom dislike
grannie. I think she has always been afraid that if she
tried to be too motherly or make too many rules, that her
kids wouldnt like her. I think it makes sense anyway. I
guess i'm fine just having a good friendship with her.
Sometimes i think it would be nice to have a mom that gives
hugs and says i love you though. But i get that from dad at
least. She asked me to go to the movies with her tomorrow.
That will be fun. We are gonna see phantom of the opera at
the cheap theatre (what, always gotta save a buck!)

Elvis is healing well from his neutering on wednesday.
he is moving a little slower than usual, but his usual is
very very active. I felt so bad when i picked him up at the
vet. He just looked at me, eyes half closed like "mom, is
that you?" poor thing. He's pretty much over it though.

Guess i'm goin to bed. Maybe i'll get to talk to Justin
tomorrow. I hope so, I miss him.........