aNd sO i WrItE
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2005-03-19 03:08:43 (UTC)

Then Nd Now

Well well well well well, I havent written in quite a long
time. Ive been going through a lot. For the better and the
worse and this is going to be a pretty long entry. Where
do I begin? Q. well Q is..... Q and he likes me smh* I
have nothing to say to that. We've been through quite a
lot and Ive known him for not even a year. OOOHH! I know
where to start. Matt. I miss Matt he went back to Jersey.
We used to chill every night and talk about everything and
anything. I even got him a job at my old job. He made me
look bad though and then i ended up quiting. Then I got
another job being a waitress. $2.15 an hour Tips. That
didn't cut it for me. I stayed at "Peso's" for not even
2weeks. As far as school? For a while i was very
depressed. I got to the point where I just didn't care
anymore and I woke up crying, hurting both mentally and
phyically. I told my mother I wanted to drop out. Well,
that didn't work out too well. SHe gave me my motivation
back. WHich is good because righ tnow in school I am
passing all of my classes and I hope to be done right on
time or even eariler as expected. I just graduated or
finished so to say from 2 more classes. That's 2 more
credits closer to graduating which is good because I was
getting tired of my teachers. I've been working my ass off
this year. Night school, online classes, and day school.
Along the lines of school? SCHOOL IS GREAT FOR ONCE! Many
friends have passed this year. I send them my blessings.
Many more friends have come about. I send them my
blessings as well. I miss Amy. She left last year and I
feel like i haven't seen her in forever. I love that girl
so much and what makes our relationship as best friends so
good is that we understand eachother and can hold
eachother down. Always. *sighs* Soon enough when I'm done
with school as is she we'll move in together. I don't have
any real friends around here. I don't like it that much
when it comes to trusting people. Yet, its like that for
me wherever I go. So i hide away locked in my room
sitting, listening to music, writing. OH YES! Writing.
It's taken me on many adventures as of late. My
performance ability and confidence has boosted. Yes,
performing. Ive been doing many shows and wiriting a lot.
Even getting paid for some. I have my own little studio
set up in my room and I head out to the sutdio sometimes
as well. It helps me grow as an artist. *sighs* Family.
Where do I begin? I've have distanced my self from my
family because I can't even trust them. My older brother
got kicked out and I am not going to get into detail about
that.(Its kind of groosssuummmm!) Anyway, we've been
struggling yet again and you know not many people know
what struggle is. When i say this i mean those who have
many opprtunities to better them selves and achieve with
out money problems, family ties, ect..... We barely made
rent this month. Ive been looking for a job and I hope all
works out. Phone got cut off. :-/ Lost contact with many
people. Important ones too! *sighs* But I am living I must
say, I am living. I traveled to Miami not too long ago and
it was B-E-A-UTIFUL! I miss the place where i was born. I
don't think i could raise my children there. Its not the
best environment. BUT HEY IT IS 2005! What is? Poverty is
getting worse and affecting me becuase I dwell on it. Oh
well. Clayton and I have gotten really close and I have a
lot of love for him too. He told me today that he got into
a fight. It scared me, because anythign and everythign
could have happened and I would have never known that
something did happen to him. That's what happened with
Jerell. :-/ Sometimes I hate living and because its so
hard to I know dying must be easy. I don't know.

Valentines day- it was another lonely, cold, sick, and
menstral one for my self. Ive never had a good V-day. I
just want some one to hold me, hold my hand, take care of
me. Something. I've never really had that. Tyrone and I
arent together anymore and its been a while. Its not like
even if we were' he'd get me anything or do anythign for
me. I gues on that speical day its the affection I'm
looking for. It was one hell of a day though. It rained. I
was on my period. It was cold. And I was yet again single.
*sighs* Not even a phone call from anyone- IDK.... Life
Goes On.

CLayton's bday is coming up. I jus tmissed Meccah's. Q's
Bday is coming up and so are some other ppl's. I hope I
don't miss anymore because I know I'd be heated if some
one missed mine. It's happened before. Oh Well.

Night School- I know everyone in my class and even my
teacher is kool as hell. He came to my last performance
and told me he wanted to tag along whenever I did perform.
He's a really good teacher and explain's the information
very clearly and takes time. Mr.Jester. That's a good man
right there. I've been doing fairly well in his class and
I thought that i was going to do a terrible job seeing as
though the subject is Economics. SMH*.... ANyway, Ryan is
a fool and is in love with my cousin Clarissa. Everytime
we talk he always brings her up and tired to get me to
give him her number LMAO he's this big tall white boy but
he's so sweet. Then there's Muhammad he's a cool kat, real
laid back and all we do is talk aobut where we're from. He
writes. He pretty good too. HIs tats on his arms are str8
bananaz tho!! Mmadd detailed. I was like pphh* hook me up!
Then there's Amber. The craziest white girl I've known.
Shes mad cool tho. I feel bad for her and her situation
but that will take too long to type about lol. She'll be
iight shes nice n feisty. Sina. Smh* where do I begin?
He's.... Wow IDK man... he's just him. I swear he's in
college with tha life style that he's living but he is
enjoyng him self. He walked me to my car one night after
night school and tired to kiss me. He kissed me on my
cheek because I moved. I thought it was funny. His car is
hott!! I wanna race him. smh* but he's cool laid back and
smart. I love my english teacher. She is str8 outta New
York and cool as hell. A very well rounded and str8 foward
woman. She can teach very well too. I have one teacher
taught class and english is what she teaches. I just
turned in my paper and got a 90 on it. My grades are
looking good for the time being. Oh, i also was the 2nd
person to get an A on her hardest test! I was so happy.

Tonight- I went out to eat with my sister adn my mother.
After going to her job with her to get uer pocket book bc
she left it there smh*. It must be Friday. I also went job
hunting after shcool today and had an interview. I hope
all goes well. Q just hit me up as well as Brittany. I
think I'm about to head over to Q's house though and sit
and wrestle and watch moves all night *sighs* i have no
life lol later on I'm goign to go over to Mazzy's house to
chill I think she's having a lil party who knows!
Anyway this is all for today. All that I can remmeber and
all that i want to say for now.
Thanks for sticking around and reading
Be Blessed*