angels heart

Through my eyes..
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2005-03-18 11:58:21 (UTC)

i hated myself last night..

last night was so upsetting to me..not only did i get a
bad grade on my math test..but i hated myself for allowing
it to be that way...i know i studied for it..but when i
really look at the test he gave back it was just small
mistakes so i knew what i was doing but the point is this
is a pass or fail class and i dont want to fail it...he
told me last night to have faith and dont give up im not
failing the class i just need to work even harder for the
next tests to clearly pass the class by the skin of my
teeth...i wasnt able to talk to dave last night mr. feels
selfish and impatient and who has made me feel like shit
going back to school and telling me how i should live my
life type man..i jsut couldnt talk to him cause hes part
of the reason im doing badly..in fact i left him an email
and offline message online last night he much of finally
gotten it cause all he could say was...i thought you were
hurt but im hurt you dont want to talk to me..but i
understand..yeah sure he just sees his own pain not what
ive been going through for the last couple of weeks or
so..so i called rob up mr always there for me support
since i gave him so much over the years together..and he
did what i thought he would..supported me and gave me a
friendly ear to listen to...always has been that way..ive
made some mistakes in my life and letting him go and
fucking things up was one of them..if we would of been
still together id be doing ten times better with all the
pressure dave gives me i just dont function well cause hes
always starving for attention that i cant always give him
cause he knows how much school means to me..and last night
in class after my teacher gave me a heads up on how i did
a couple points less than last test i was thinking of
quiting school all together cause it appeard to me that i
really was dumb and couldnt handle math..but after he
noticed my withdrawl in class at the end..he gave me my
test back and told me i wasnt failing the class and not to
be discouraged that i can rebound so all the way home in
tears and anger i vowed to myself that i would remove all
the negitiave things in my life..and have a clear head
during spring break and study just as hard if not harder
till the end of the semseter and apply myself to pass all
my classes..i told dave that the week he got back from
work that i had three tests in three of the four of my
classes and time wouldnt be there..of course he wasnt
happy with that..like always that is why once my daughters
cookies get in im going to take what he ordered over to
his house leave his key and get my things and leave his
cell phone and end this..cause i wont be made to feel like
im selfish or making a mistake..or overdoing it..cause i
can do this..i know i can..and with rob i know id be
excelling..with dave im drowning..and with that kind of
pressure i dont know if i can handle or make it through
school with im breathing down my neck..hell his sunt last
fri night before my soc test was out of control i should
of left his house and went home..every hour on the hour he
complained and got mad at himself all night long cause
why..well i talked and tease him all day about well sex of
course and with full intentions of being inimate but we go
out for dinner and i eat something that upset my
stomach..and so i wasnt feeling well at all..which i dont
lie about..so i lay down and he gets well timid with me..
and then gets upset cause im not all cuddly and lovey on
him..im sick for sake of all holey..whats the deal..and he
is upset cause i teased him all day and then i come over
and he just refuses to see that i was just fine with the
same attuitude when i came over before i ate something
bad..so in a nutshell he was up all night in and out of
bed over SEX...and that is what it was..cuase i teased him
about it and honestly i wanted it all day too..but when
you dont have a gall bladder anymore..foods upset your
stomach badly..so cause of that he got upset..damn me i
should of left went straight home..that night..but i was
tired and felt like crap..but vowed id not go through that
again..so today ive left my cell phone off the one dave
gave me..cause i dont care to talk to him right now..and i
plan to go to class with an open head..and enjoy my
evening with rob..and then come home and prepare for my
class the next morning and start my spring break off
relaxed and ready...well im off here soon..so ill keep in
touch..


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