Not Lost For Word's
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2005-03-18 06:04:05 (UTC)

why my son Lord

...who am I??? What is my Purpose in this life? I think i
have an idea, but really, do I? My Heavenly Father, our
Lord and Savior made me and for what purpose?? thats what
i need to figure out. I've had a long hard life up to this
point, and im sure it will never get any easier. I have
been thru it all, what else do i must go thru befor i find
true peace with my heavenly Father-God when on the day i
go to meet him and my brother Jesus. ive lived a tortured
life up till now. lonley, unhappy, and greaving, used and
abused both mentaly and physicaly ,trampled on, and used
as a door-mat. My Lord in heaven says these things will
maker me stroger, yes they do, but the pain will never go
away till i go to heaven. oh the so so many bad, horriable
memories with so few wonderful memories that my mind
replays inside my brain. most of all , no, all my good
visions for the future are all gone, since my son died.
Its been a nightmare i have to live in daily. all my hopes
and dreams whent with him the day he died last year
(March,2004)My son was my life, now that he is gone i have
no real purpose in this life what so ever.I just go day by
day now dreading tomarow and what it might bring. I try to
do things to make me happy, but thoes little thinks will
never replace my son. My son didnt have to die, they didnt
work hard enough on him when he layed in the emergancy
room. ive seen and heard of worse cases and they survived.
my son was only 23 years old, he hadnt even begun totally
to live. he was going to have the good life i never had.
altho, he was perfect, his life did have a few ups and
downs, but overall he was a positive person and had a
vision for his future and it was to be grand, for he was
the type of person who made things happen! i will never
see him finish collage and buy a home and get a wife and
have me the grandchildren i despertly wanted so so bad. I
mourn for the grandbabies i will never have, or hold or
love. when my son died tha vision died with him, all his
visions and mine died that day also. oh how i greave for
my son. i miss him dearly, i just wish i could hold him
and kiss him and tell him how much i love him and how
proud of him i am. I know my son is in heaven waiting for
me, and one day i will see him again, and what im missing
is his physical body, but that hurts not haveing him here
in his physical body i bore to him. The person that killed
my son, i dont know how to deal with him, not really. i
try to forgive him because that is what the Lord ask of me
to do, but that is so so hard. A drunk Driver killed my
son, and it was sensless, just sensless!!! i want to hate
the man who took my sons away from me, but the lord says
not to hate. that man drank, then got behind the stering
wheel of a vehical, for one thing he broke the law and
another thing, he killed my child, and i hate to say it
Lord, but deep down in my heart i will never forgive him
for the death of my son, for takeing our visions away, our
future away, the family we would of had, the physical body
he had, my Son. Son ...your mother missis you and loves
you dearly. Here within this diary i will write of all my
sadness and hardship i have lived thru over the many many
years i have lived on this here Earth, this Earth that my
heavenly Father made for me to live on, and gave me life
so as i could praise him and know him as my Lord and
Savior. Bless me Lord for i am troubled and have a
terriable pain of mourning in side my broken heart for my
son. Amen

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