Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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Ezoic
2005-03-18 03:31:46 (UTC)

BLAH!

I hate myself. I'm such a bitch and I don't deserve
sympathy or anything really. I also hate the way I look. I
can't stand myself. It's hard to wake up every morning,
look in the mirror, and wish that you were anyone else.
It's just fitting together now that EVERYTHING is my
fault. If it wasn't for ME the family could move back to
Madoc and Tweed and be happy. If it wasn't for ME Brennan
wouldn't be being an asshole to everyone. If it wasn't for
me so many people wouldn't have gotten hurt. I have no
reason to like myself anymore. What do I have going for me
really? I'm not that bright. I'm not that good looking.
I'm manipulative and whinny. It's always gotta be "my
way". I'm not a great person. I hate so many people, who
really don't deserve it. I'm just not a good person
really. What have I ever done that's good? Nothing. I've
been so careless lately. Here I was mad at Brennan for
laughing at me, when I never stopped to think. How would
he feel? I left him for another guy! He has every right to
be an asshole to me. I'd hate me too. Infact I already do.

I've done some good things, but that won't make up for
everything that I've done wrong. I'm just scraping by at
school, the family is forced to move somewhere in the
neighbourhood for more money because of yours truly,
Brennan is being an ass because of me, I've lied, I've
cheated, I've manipulated, I've done everything imaginable
just to get my way. But I did help out a few freinds. I
try to be there for people but I don't think it really
matters.

I hate it when people tell me I'm pretty...or beautiful...
or hot. I know that I'm not. I know that I will never be.
There's nothing I can fucking do about it. I'm not
completely butt ugly. But I know I'm not one of those head
turner girls. I don't have the face. I don't have the
hair. I don't have the body. I don't have the voice. I
don't have what it takes to be cut out for
being "beautiful". But I have to act like I don't think
I'm not infront of some people. Or they just yell at me
and tell me I'm being stupid, which doesn't help at all.
Recently, for my looks I've been rated a three out of ten,
and I was called fat by one of my so called "close
freinds".

It's funny how compliments never seem to stick but insults
do. They just hover in the back of your mind. I've also
been called a heartless bitch who never thinks of anyone
but herself.

Freinds have said things like "you're an amazing person"
but I know I'm not. It's hard. Mirrors have become my
worst enemies. The truth hurts. SO why do they have to
show me the truth? But I guess lies hurt more. And so many
have been hurt on my account. I feel so sorry.


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