random_zero

here be monsters
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2005-03-17 17:25:34 (UTC)

a beginning

here i am again, at another beginning. this time writing
for no one. writing for myself. so what the hell do i
think i'm doing?
jessie has gone through some weird times lately. starting
from the most recent, a weird night of panic attacks. i
went to the med centre today and waited an hour and a half
to face a dickhead of a doctor who basically told me that
there wasnt a bloody thing wrong with me. and hey, maybe
hes right. nothing is wrong with jessie. that means
everyone else must be the ones who are fucked up.
stepping back a bit further, i just got involved in a
closet lesbian relationship with a submissive chinese
woman. seeing it written that way almost makes it sound
like i made it up. but no, its true. i did recently get
involved with a submissive chinese woman. i think i am
falling in love again. its uncanny that she would be so
much like me, and yet so mysterious and deep. am i
mysterious and deep? people tell me that, but i do not
readily agree. so suki, my chinese lesbian girlfriend, has
a lot of secrets. many of them are similar to some of my
secrets. when we combine them we seem to meld together
nicely. she is interested in things that i am interested
in. getting with suki meant that i would have to face a
lot of interrogation from her overbearing cousin. at the
pinnacle of this was a phone conversation last night which
left me very dissatisfied. it seems that suki being happy
has never crossed the mind of her cousin, and that
something should be done immediately to prevent it. suki
tells me this always happens. annie preaches about how
suki should live her own life and make her own choices,
and when she does annie finds some reason to negate those
choices and bring suki down about them. then suki feels
there is no way out but to listen to her cousin,
who "must" be right because she always has been before. as
i said, suki is very submissive. she doesnt even word it
the way that i do, she actually praises annie for her
contribution to her complete boredom and depression. and
what does annie do with her days? keeps herself as far as
possible removed from sukis life, living in a seemingly
complete utopia, where everything is good. suki cant even
squeeze in a phone call to her cousin whom she adores.
so annie thinks that her cousin is making a big mistake by
being so close with me, and unfortunately she probably has
the power to make suki agree. and then what? really the
only good thing in my life right now will be taken away. i
always seem to add this line... its what i deserve. it
really is what i deserve. and i hate trying to swallow
that. trying to swallow the fact that everything i go
through is somehow my own fault. now i patiently await the
verdict of what will be. will annie let suki take a chance
this time, and create her own life? i dont see why she
would. and hey, she has a point. im probably the worst
case scenario for the young, beautiful, educated woman
that suki is. and if annie tries to talk suki out of being
with me, then i will still have to face tomorrow. i can
handle whatever they throw my way. i am strong enough to
take a little bit more of this. unfortunately, life is
tragically ironic. signing off for now, hope to see myself
typing again soon, jessie of the lost world.


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