Lady Gryphon

The Bottomless Pit
2005-03-17 09:27:21 (UTC)

Floating in the Darkness

I was just in Christal's room listening to a song by Nina
Gordon called Tonight and the Rest of my Life. And I just
cried through the whole thing. I just don't know what to do
with my life. I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. I
haven't wanted to since Christmas. I've been fighting these
remarkably pointless battles since I was a kid, and I don't
want to do it anymore. I'm so sick of fighting, I just want
a calm. But I don't know what else I could do. I thought
about being an english teacher, but that only works for my
ideal future that I've come up with, and that's looking
less and less likely to happen. So now I'm thinking I could
be a police officer or something of the sort, but I don't
know what you need for that. I do have a spotless record
though. I'm so lost in this area. I do have plenty of time
to think it over, and the rest of my life does start anew
every day, but I don't want to spend it all thinking about
what to do with it. That's not all either. The divorce will
soon finally be final, and though I am finally free of
Hate, I am even further ensnared by its twin. This feeling
should have died a long time ago, but it hasn't. And it's
so big but I have to keep it deep inside since it's so
unwanted. But every night I think about it and everything
freezes. Time just has a way of stopping and then speeding
up to get to where it should be. And it leaves me frozen as
well. I can't help but wonder if I'm just some puppet
programmed to be a certain way. Why is the emotion button
stuck to the ON setting. It always seems to be in
overdrive. It's more like I'm drinking poison. Ja, gib mir
Gift. I want it to stop, but it won't. Maybe I just need to
hear it.
Anyway, I'm gonna leave saying this. Just cuz somebody
doesn't love you doesn't mean you stop loving them. And if
you do, then you never really loved that person at all.
Lyzzie




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