Jamie

Jamie's Daily Thoughts and Goals
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2005-03-17 07:01:16 (UTC)

Day 1

Today is the first day of my journal. I was advised by ann
to start writing again to get out some of my feelings. It
has taken me hours to get this set up and i am a little
frustrated. I really need to do this though, and am
determined to stick with it. I hope that it will be
helpful for me. I am just going to mention a few things to
start off with to get an idea (when looking back on this)
of where I am. I had a good time this past weekend. I
drank with shawn, mom, dad, brooke, and eric at shawns
house while mario was gone in mexico. Dada told me that he
was sick with some big problems. I had a few rough days
after that thinking about all the possible things it could
have been. Then on Monday i had to know and went over to
mom and dads house to find out. Mom told me that dad had
surgery last wednesday for colon cancer possibilities. I
was expecting something like this. I of course proceeded
to think of the worst possible outcome rather than being
positive. It turns out that dad got his results yesterday
and everything looks ok with the exception of pre-diabetes
and cholesterol problems. I am greatly relieved but am
still in a state of sadness. i have my period now but i
think that its still a bit of sadness due to everything
else. I have struggled recently with school, exercise, and
eating well. All things seem not to matter to me lately. I
feel trapped because i am still unsure of my ssi outcome
and if i have to have a job in less than 2 weeks. I have
no intent on looking for one which is stupid but not
something i care about now. I am feeling very hopeless and
like giving up. I havent taken my meds in over 2 weeks. i
know this has a lot to due with it but i still dont seem
to do anything about it. I am punishing myself again and
being very very critical on myself. I need to stop this
sick process. I ahve already called into school for today
(8 hours from now)pshchology because i didnt even look at
me take home exam that is due. i need to get refocused. I
also am struggling greatly with eating and exercise. i
want to lose weight so bad i cant stand it but i still
binge eat and dont care. i also have to be dragged to the
y and still dont put forth my full efforts. why do i do
this to myself. i can do this all and yet i dont. why!!??
i am so tired and sad and have had thought of hopelessness
and suicide again also. I dont have any plans or anything
but i often think that ending it all and starting over
would be easier even though i dont know if i would get
that option with heaven and hell and god and all that
stuff. maybe i should start going to church? i dont know
anymore i just know that i am not happy or settled in
anything anymore. nothing is good enough for me! im not
worried about impressing someone else this time i cant
please myself!! whats wrong with me. I am so lonely and
dont tell anyone the truth anymore again. only ann knows
it all and she can only do so much. i am going to go to
sleep now but will journal as much as i can. i will try to
do something positive today with my time and energy.
1:00 am 3-17-05 :(


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