thoughts about alcoholism
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2005-03-17 00:25:33 (UTC)

a tear for someone else...

To warn u all first... my spelling sucks, but I don’t
really care...

Yesterday I started a program, for alcohol abuse... the
only people who know at this point are my parents and my
ex... I have not shared this info with anyone else... for a
few reasons, 1. b.c I am not sure if I am an alcoholic, all
I kno is that I do drink too much, but on the other hand
it’s almost always socially... 2. bc I am afraid of how ppl
will react... mainly my peers/friends... its not so much
that I am worried that they will stop talking to me, bc I
doubt any would, and if they do screw them they arent my
friends.. but b.c I am afraid they will worry, they will
worry if it is ok to drink around me, how they should act
around me, should they not talk about alcohol around me,
should they not call me if they are going out drinking,
will they feel like they have to pity me, or not know how
to react around me... 3. b.c I am a private person and just
don’t like to share a lot of stuff with ppl unless I feel
totally comfortable around them...

one thing that does bother me tho... is it started out that
I was looking for a psychiatrist bc I have been struggling
with depression, and my mom called around... well only 2
lived close by.. one wasn’t taking new patients and the
other was the one at the rehab facility... well my mom
decided that she felt alcohol was a factor in my depression
so she scheduled an apointment with the phsychiatrist
there.. well it turned out to be only an assessment... you
have to be in the program to see the psychiatrist... well
at this pnt I am about to cry, bc I don’t know if I am an
alcoholic, and don't like the idea of thinking that I am
one.. but hey they say that’s a "symptom" of alcoholism...
however I tend to think no one likes the idea of thinking
of the possibuility of themself being an alcoholic... but I
guess if I am in the position of questioning wether or not
I am, maybe I might be... idk.. so I take the assessment,
and the guy tells me well I think you are drinking too
much, and that you should try our program... why not try
not drinking for a few mo. and see where it takes you, and
also come here for some meetings and what not.. well I’m
thinking I really am not sure, still feeling teary eyed b.c
I wanted to come in and sit down and talk about feelings,
not my alcohol use... but since I barley have anything to
do with my time I agree to it... then he says why don’t you
putt off getting on any meds too... yeah don’t like that
idea much but I was in an awkward position and kinda felt
on the spot, and I might add I have a hard time of speaking
my true feelings, so I agree... I am currently kicking
myself in the butt by the way

well before I kno it, i'm signing my life away, and
agreeing to come in 3 times a week for 3 hrs each day to
sit through meetings.. and talk to a counselor...

so I went in yesterday and just didn’t feel like I fit in
at all... I was surrounded by 30-60 yr. olds who had nearly
ruined their lives with alcohol and drugs, who were
seemingly hopeless, and had a grim look on life... and here
I am a 20 yr old... who sees her whole life ahead of her
filled with nothing but opportunities, with optimism and
hope of a good life, and not much to lose at this point...

so I sat through it and went home, and felt like crying the
whole day, b.c all I really wanted was to talk to someone
about my depression and anxiety and what has happened over
the past 5 mo. how my life has changed ext. ect... but
instead I was in this program that focused only on drug and
alcohol addiction and didnt seem to touch bace on much

well today was slightly different... I went in and it
started off the same... for the first hour and a half, I
sat there asking myself why the hell I was here... my
problems have nothing to do with any of this... I mean I
drink more than I should i'll admit, but that isnt the
source of my problems, in contrast with everyone else who
was there, it being the cause of most if not all of their

then the last hour I was there, they had one of the gals
there, tell the group about something she had done.. which
started a discussion on some other topics.. well the group
leader asked if anyone was concerned about anyone else..
and this is when the emotions in the room really started
flowing... I don’t want to go into it so much, for the sake
of privacy, however nearly half the room was in tears.. I
watched grown men cry, bc of what their addiction had done
to their lives.. and I my self felt teary eyed.. not at all
for me.. but b.c I felt terrible for these ppl.. how
addiction took over their lives and ruined their families..

I wish I could go into more detail.. but I can’t.. but I
keep thinking about one persons reaction to things that
were said, and it brings tears to my eyes every time.. the
look on that persons face, of hopelessness, yet hope at the
same time.. of the want to overcome the addiction, yet the
fear of it being too strong to overcome... the tears that
came out of that persons eyes.. soo much emotion, I nearly
thought I couldn’t handle sitting there...

it brought tears to nearly every one in the room.. men and
women of all ages and sizes.. all I could do was sit and
feel sorrow for each and every one of them, and hope that
they would overcome there weaknesses and pain...

but then I felt selfish for being there... me .. with so
much hope, and no look back on life.. with everything ahead
of me still in place... sitting there taking up space..

tomm I meet with my councilor.. I hope to express to her
all that I feel... however I have a feeling that I might
not get out exactly what I am feeling b.c I have a hard
time with that.. especially with strangers.. perhaps I
should print out this entire, and bring it a log, so if I
get stuck I can refer to it..

but Lord knows every single person in that room today and
all the others out there in the same position, and even
those who have not realized there addictions or have not
found proper help.. are all in my prayers, and I wish I had
the power to take all the pain and addiction and suffering
away... but I can’t... and perhaps I too am powerless... I
just haven't gotten to the point where it has taken
anything away from me... but i'll tell you... it sure isnt
going to either.. I realized something today.. I want to
help and support and give hope to people in that
situation.. and to do that, I can't fall to that place... I
have to keep following the path that I’m on.. the one that
is moving forward and not backward... I just wish that this
dang depression wasn’t slowing me down so much..
but I’m praying about it, and now I’m praying not for my
sake, but for the sake of all those out there who are
suffering from this disease.


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