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2005-03-16 17:25:35 (UTC)

A near miss...

Having lot's of time pondering all that has happened, I
feel that perhaps I escaped a tragedy, a near miss so to
speak. Sure I hurt a lot, sure I feel incomplete, but now
that I think of it all trina was and remains a confused
little girl. I thought she was mature because of her
composure but in reality, her reality was not real. It was
make believe, it could not deal with realities of life and
I gave in so much to her needs that in the end I lost sight
of my own needs.

For her I would have walked barefoot through hot coals but
it would not have benefitted anyone. The fact is, she never
surrendered to me. She accepted a collar which she kept as
long as it suited her. She kneeled and served me because it
enhanced her needs of selfworth. She took great pleasure in
her sexual and physical surrender to me, but she never
truly surrendered to me. He surrender was an illusion she
perpetrated as long as it suited her, when it no longer
suited her she removed the collar like it meant nothing
like it never existed.

No true slave would ever be able to do this if she had
truly surrendered. I know of many slaves who honour the
collar they accepted despite not being entirely happy
despite the collar not being all that they hoped for. They
do so because that is who they are, that is what they do.
They truly deserve my admiration, Trina just gave up when
the going go tough, she quit, she deserted, she acted
selfishly. And so I have to view her departure so
prematurely as a near miss.

I still think that someday she will be an excellent slave
for someone, but she has to grow some more but that
happens. And by growing, I'm not refering to protocol or
endurance, I'm refering to her psychological and emotional
make up. I'm not the first one she has quit on and possibly
not the last. but I do wish her the best.

Having said all this, there are still unfinnished issues
which will have to be delt with in time, issues of
betrayal. No I was not white as snow in this affair, yet
some were worse than I, and he knows who he is.

As for myself coming to these realizations help me to move
on and seek that which I have always sought and hope to
find, a true slave. one ready for the reality of being
owned completely, without reservation, without fear,
without placing her needs before those of the one she
serves. I will find her one day... and when I do I will
keep her.

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