2005-03-16 15:00:34 (UTC)

Nerves Getting To Me

Yesterday I had the house to myself. I decided to watch
some of my GH episodes and get caught up. Then I remembered
my husband had been on his blog monday. I started to wonder
if he had erased the memory on it. So I got on there and
found out that his blog is through blogger. I didn't open
it because it would show up in the history that I was on
it. So I wrote down some of what it said in the history. I
got, ramblings of a lost soul and a day in the life... I've
already tried to look it up but no luck. The website don't
have a search engine yet so basically you have to go from
one to the next looking at them. There are thousands of
them. I don't know if I will be able to find it. I know
it's bad wanting to look at it but I need to know if he's
telling me the truth. I keep going through the what ifs in
my head. I keep getting this feeling that I don't know the
whole truth. I just want to see it just to see if he is or
not. I don't want to stay with him if he's going to leave
me in the long run. What if he's just waiting for the right
person to come along or the best opportunity? If I could
just see it once and know that he's not lying to me I think
I could move on and forget any of this happened. I keep
asking myself how would you feel if he read yours? I know I
would be scared of what he would think because I've said
and thought about things to do that would make him mad and
upset with. Sometimes I wonder if he would forgive me or
not for them. I don't think he would. I think that's the
reason why he don't want me to read his. There's something
on it that he don't want me to know. I need to find out
what that is. I guess I'll keep trying and see if I can
find it. Maybe I need to wait for a day when he uses it and
leaves and look at it the same day. That way it shows up in
the history the same day and he won't realize I looked at
it. Lord forgive me, in a way I know this is wrong but you
have to understand my need to know. Please help me find it.
I just want to see it to help me trust him again. I don't
want to be used, please don't let that happened. Just let
me know I'm not by seeing his blog. I know it's wrong to
ask but I can't help it. Life has been hard lately and I'm
doing my best to move on. Help me Lord, please. Amen.

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