X is my secret.
2005-03-16 07:01:19 (UTC)

So used

Ugh, so yeah, again, that not letting boys dictate how I
feel about myself thing. NOT HAPPENING.

First of all, Brad put it out there blatantly that we will
not have anything other than our great friendship, and told
me I really don't want to know why, and said he might tell
me someday.

Then there was Fireman John, despite saying he didn't want a
GF bc he was going to be too busy with firefighting, EMT,
ambulanceing and going back to school for his paramedics
liscnence, he found a girl that met his "requirements" back
in February. I just haven't been here to tell ya'll but yeah.

I have stalker Justin still calling me and wanting to come
see me now that he's living in Des Moines, even though I
told him out right I didn't wanna see him ever again.
STALKER. . .BAH. Always talking about how we're perfect for
eachother and should get married. I MET HIM ONCE. WE TALKED

I got rid of stalker Steven a while ago, another that told
me he was in love with me. Again we only met once, sure we
talked a while online, but uh, NO.

Then there is Anton. Oh my sweet, sweet, Kiwi. I still see
him a lot. But this week or more he's with a lot of camp
groops. You see he's here as an Camp Director Intern, so has
to be there for all these groups, and he has a roomie who's
from Hungary, it's so cute, he's dating a girl back in
Hangary, and he's sooooo devoted, he's even paying for her
to come visit at one point. SWEET! Anyway, he's got groups
back to back for the next couple weeks, sigh. We were
supposed to get together tonight for like an hour, but I was
out, and he never called, so oh well. We would totally be
dating if he wasn't moving to the UK in Sept. and I wasn't
leaving in May for camp in MN. Sigh, I'm getting a little
attached. . . eek. . .MISTIN don't get attached to the fuck
buddy. . .lol.

Uh, yeah then there's my crushes Cole and the new one
Jameson, sigh. I don't see Cole a lot anymore, and I still
haven't figured out if he is gay. Jameson is a hottie, but
has a crush on another girl, so I just admire from afar,
then a guy kinda caught my eye at the Tbell yesterday, but
meh, I'll never meet him probably. lol.

Oh, and I went partying for the first time a few weeks ago,
and got kinda wasted, and ended up in the bathroom with a
boy named Justin for quite a while that night. Heh, I
remember what happened that night. . . but he probably
doesn't. Thing is he grew up with Kelly down the hall, and
goes to WArtburg College. Ugh, I can rarely look at Kelly
the same. I PROMISE I didn't have sex with him.

Hmmmmmmmmm, I thinks that's all of them. . . .Aaron's still
around, but it's starting to grow boring with him. . . .

I would like to clarify, no I am not a virgin anymore, BUT I
am NOT some amusement ride. I only have sex with Anton, and
rarely as I don't see him all that much. . .and he knows I'd
rather be doing it with someone else. . . . .I actually . .
.um. . .call him by the wrong name a lot. . . Anton doesn't
seem to mind . . . sigh. . . .it's still not good though. . .

And that, that I don't wanna talk about, but meh, it's my
diary, so why not. John and I got in a fight. But the thing
is I don't understand why he's mad. I felt horrid when he
told me he was having a bad day, and was ill, BUT HE IS
this one either. I wasn't mad at him for his thoughts, I
wasn't mad at him for any of that. But it just got me
thinking, and maybe I wasn't mad at him, maybe I was mad at.
. . at. .. .at. . .FUCKING FATE. . . AND LIFE. . .AND THE
WAY THAT IF YOU LOOK UP ABOVE. You see that . . . . :'( all
I am. . . is used. . . or a fuck buddy. . . or a good
friend. . . . . .

The thing is, I thought this was God answering a prayer of
mine. But he's not. He made it go opposite.

You see for the past week or so. I pray for a good 3/4 of my
prayer that John will come back to camp, and no not for me.
For the kids, I just see how they react to him, and talk
about him, and ask about him. Clearwater would be nothing
without that man. NOTHING. I asked God to have him come
back, and if it meant I had to somehow give him up, I would,
bc those kids, that camp, they need him.

I thougth at first, great Deb's right, he wants someone in
Ireland, and then I can't have him, and he comes to camp.
I'm miserable, but no one knows, and everyone at camp is
happy again. Which is wonderful, bc they need that, and I
honestly am a guest at that camp still in some senses,
they.. . he. . . all of it. . was before me. THey have first

But I just started to feel every rip and tear Sam caused. .
. all the things Sam did to me, all the ways he made me . .
.ugh I can't even describe it, if you've ever been in love,
you'll understand what I went through. The massive heart. .
.not break. . .more like shatter. I just started to feel all
those wounds reopening!!! EVERY LITTLE HALF HEALED SEAM
Luckily I have commitments this week, if I didn't, I'd sit
in here, like normal, and just bawl. I didn't think I could
hurt like this again. But it just gets worse every time ya
know? LIke if you get hit and get a bruise. It hurts more
the second time you're hit there, and so on.

Man, I noticed all my entries are so sad. I'll put another
after this about the fun times I've had this week.

Oh yeah, and Erin told me about some things he said to her,
and it sounds as if he's never going to talk to me again,
and Camp will officially be awkward if he EVEN comes at all.

I'm going to go take a shower and share more thoughts on
this after I've thought about it in there for a bit.