Hakerz338

Grass is Greener on the Other Side
2005-03-16 06:35:36 (UTC)

Don't speak

I'm upset right now, but none of my anger has been towards
anyone. For some reason several individuals think, that i'm
upset, and i'm pissed off at them. The only thing, I'd say
I'm pissed off at, are the several messages I get a day,
telling me to stop "cryin over a girl that never really
cared". Whatever, I really don't care what people believe,
because they're wrong. The reason people keep a journal, or
a diary, is to vent. If i write here about you, and if it's
something that bothers me, but I haven't mentioned it to
you, then don't worry about it. Obviously, it bothers me,
but not so much to the point in which I NEED to talk to
you. Nextly, if i'm sarcastic please just take it at that,
don't take it all to serious. My last comment, seems like
i'm asking for to much, wasn't directed towards one person.
It more towards me and how i want this. Because it seems as
if I want to many things, asking for to much. I'm want to
get out of my financial situation, I want one girl, I want
to go back to school, I want to move out, I want to be
happy. With my string of luck, maybe I am asking for to
much. Please...I wish I could explain, I'm a lil off
balance, and everything is just teatering. You'd be as
parnoid and as stressed if you were in my shoes. My mind
says one thing, my heart feels another, the world is
tearing me a new one, and the people tell me i'm wasting
wasting my time. Once everyone tears at you, once everyone
tell you your being retarded, and when you can't see any
progress, you start believing it. No one has yet, made me
believe, I'm not a fuck up. No one has been able to just
make me realize everything will be ok. Right now, I want
one person's attention, just maybe for like a second if
that. She knows what it's like to want attention, after all
she's yelled at me before about not payin attention to her.
Right now it feels as if I'm not imporant, that i'm
disposable. She can give the world time, but not me. I'm
not allowed to see her, I'm not allowed to talk to her.
Before those rules never applied to us, because we'd talk,
and we'd hangout. We made time, during our friendship.
However now, it's getting harder to believe that I'm still
involved. It feels like I'm missing a lot. It's become an
internet relationship. I understand you've got friends, I
understand they are male, and that's never bothered me. The
fact is what bothers me is I'm really not there. I guess
another thing that bothers me as well is we're always
fighting nowadays. The reason I believe this is because my
words get misinterpreted, and yours get lost. So in turn,
we blame each other, and fight, because nothing else in our
lives make sense. I'm trying to not push you away, however
at the same time it feels as if i'm trying to stay in your
life, holding on, holding you down, but losing my grip. I'm
sorry that you were so important to me. That i'm not half
as important. That these little things bother me, and that
maybe it's just hard to see what we've got for our future,
when we never talk. It feels as if we're drifting. I'm
going solely off of your words, and our future together.
You say one thing, but your giving me signals for another.
That's why i'm always confused. Read my entries, from Sept.
till now, atleast 8/10 are about us, how i still want us,
how i still dream about us, and need us. How that's the
only thing that's really getting me through one day at a
time. Read your entries, from Sept till now, it's as if I
was dead, not even any dreams of us, or anything like that.
Your entry about the future, didn't even have me in it. I'm
not mad, don't think I am. I still need you in my life, I'm
just getting mixed signals from you. I feel like a wretched
pathetic human being, because it always feels like i'm
begging. I'm not questioning you. If anything seriously
seems like something, tell me, and I'd clear it up. What I
am really questioning is, my future...You're the only
thing.... Sometimes you have to make me understand...make
me see... I love you....

1:34 AM




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