2005-03-15 19:13:09 (UTC)

...till now...

So John appeared intelligent but that proved not to be the
case. He is a little careless with his finances since he
apperantly trusts his financially unfit advisor friend. He
didn't sign on because he wanted something "more stable."
BS. This is the only way to go and he knows it. But he got
a corporate position with Jewel which he will start next
month. Since he's buying a house he wants to do that. The
moment he told me that he was not attractive anymore. Too
bad though. Kinda wish now that I would have flirted with
him some more, or constructed something to say so that we
could hang in a cafe, or bar or somewhere. Kinda thinking
about the past recently.

I guess that could be since when it comes to
relationships, I'm really not moving forward. Aindria I
think got upset when I didn't want to go see the movie
with her (Constantine) when I said I would. I understand
why she's upset. But really sorry dude, I don't live above
my means, and at the time I was broke, just came back from
Nashville. I haven't done a lot of social things at all
lately. I long for that. Want more of it and crave it
dearly. But any time I want to do that I'm either broke,
well, not anymore, or like now, I just don't have anyone
to go with. I don't have a boyfriend. Refie would say she
wants to hang so I figure alright finally I'll get to go
crazy. But then she cancels on me without letting me know,
since she's not in the mood anymore. She's done that for
about a month now.

Yesterday I had a friend of mine crank call her and fakely
hit on her. She said that was cruel. I told her she
deserves it. I don't think she likes me anymore. I don't
really care. I thought it was funny. The bad thing is that
Tim F. did that call. And I saw Jason today. I hope I'm
not falling back in with that group again. I don't really
hang with them. They're just a surrounding of cheap
entertainment while I wait for my next class sometimes.

So no more Refie, no more Aindria. All I have left now is,
Karoline who is never in town since she now lives in
Champaigne and Teresa. Teresa moved back here with Mathew
and joined the company. That is about the only good news
out there. I love her she's fantastic, and her family team
will be amazing. But she is trying to get settled in, and
she's a mother of a child who is currently very dependent
on her. Not to mention she's pregnant again, and lives in
Cicero. This cuts down on the kind of fun we coud have a
lot. And she's really all I have now.

Business is great. Lucy Beth is going to explode and be
one of my 6 key people. Teresa and Mathew as well. Kinga I
don't think so, but we'll see how her progress goes. I
have a team again. And they're better people. They're
building their businesses as well. Teresa will have Mathew
as a recruit tonight, and Lucy has a friend of hers signed
up already. So I'm beginning to build wide and deep. Lots
of money will come soon and I will be able to buy my
motorcycle for the summer and take the special course for
that liscence. Now I just need to get myself to speed.

I'm still lonely though. I look at myself in the mirror
sometimes and wonder why am I not in a place where there
are many great friends. Or just a few great ones. Why
aren't there guys having crushes on me. No happy
valentines, no good sweeties day. I'm 20 and I've never
had an actual relationship that went past 3 days. I think
that, that's pathetic. Or I've just been consumed with
everything that... Well, no, I've counted 9 guys that I've
kissed so far. I don't know if the numbers work in this
example, but I think that something is wrong with that.

I have just discovered eye contact, yet still, I find no
guy willing to step up and even talk to me. Others I hope
don't talk to me. I think I've raised my standards and now
hardly anyone qualifies. Those that do, I don't think are
interested in me. Atleast not in the way I want them to
be. There are no good men. Nice yes, attractive sure, but
none that I get that feeling about where things just kinda
click into place. I had that with both John and Jo-see.
Kinda keep thinking about both of them, though I know Jo-
see didn't care, and John is an idiot. Though I still
wished I could have flirted more with him. Then again,
that's the problem when the only guys that are mature
enough for me are a bare minimum of 5 years older. Then
there's the other problem of, they've been through more of
life, and our life stories don't match up. What a
perfectly sown web I make here.