Holly Golightly

Half Empty/ Half Full
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2005-03-14 07:09:05 (UTC)


First entry. I guess I just finally realized that I enjoy
the idea of handwritten journals far more than I actually
use them. I finally admit that I am a 21st century
computer junkie. We'll see if I use this online thing more
often than I think...
Life is crazy. I look back on events in my life with
absolute wonder (the ones I can remember anyway). So much
is going well for me right now it's rediculous. And yet, I
still manage to never sit back and enjoy it. I always want
more. Nothing is ever good enough. There is either too
much love or not nearly enough.
My life is full of contradictions. Anyone who knows me
would tell you that I am the most level-headed wise beyond
my years person. What they don't know is that my advice is
merely a verbal reasurance of the reason for existance
that I can only conclude from surrendering to a sea of
unanswered questions. I love the company of people...they
keep me sane. Yet too long in the company of others makes
me crave my solitude, where I sit for hours in tormenting
contemplation of anything and everything that crosses my
Tonight, for example, I can't shake the memories of my ex-
boyfriend. We started dating before I could even drive
(mind you, I'm now 23) and we broke up about 5 or 6 years
ago. We have kept in contact ever since, and just recently
slept together for the first time since we broke up. (He
just now text messaged me "Goodnight my Sweets"). We have
this understanding that is beyond any relationship I have
ever had. We could go months without talking, and then
show up in each other's lives again like no time had
passed at all. We love each other and always will. We've
tried hating each other, avoiding each other, and loving
other people to try to forget each other. But it never
works. This boy truly has a piece of my heart that no one
else could even try to understand. He is a part of me and
I a part of him.
We saw each other a few days ago in L.A. (my hometown)
right before I left to come back to Philly where I go to
school. I can't stop thinking about him. By body
physically aches. I never feel this way - EVER. I'm not
the mushy romantic type, in fact quite the opposite.
What am I to do?