Fading-Soul

My Lost Life - I
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2005-03-14 03:05:00 (UTC)

Unsure Emotions, Help?

My stupid brother hasn't let me on the computer for days.
That sucks, so I haven't been able to type anything. Grrr...
Well, Tommy baby hasnt gone to jail yet. He wants to
organize his personnal life first, which means since he
missed his court date, it will prolong his time due. :(
The good part about this whole thing is that I got to see
him. =) Man I missed that boy, we just held each other for
hours, literally. It was absolutely our little heaven, so
beautiful. *cherishes thought, stops drooling*

Well, he was at his moms house until she told his lawyer on
him. So, at the moment, I am not sure where he is again,
but I'll keep calling and pray on seeing him one last
time. For you see, I gave him our home address, and that
one is screwed up, cuz my mom fucked up the mail, she
overloaded it too many times, so I got to get it to my
Grams instead. Hope I can. Got so much fricken home work
to do, mega grrrr....

I just cant get him out of my thoughts and outta my mind.
I felt bad, because I had been dying to get wasted, but
when I was with him, te chace I had to, I didnt want to. I
loved being with him, for he's the one thing that makes me
happy. Beer and alcohol could never fill that hole like he
does, my one true happiness, my one true love. No one
knows this, but when he gets out of jail, when I turn 18,
we're supposed to get married. But when I really think
about it, I dunno if I want to be commited to him. He
makes me sooo happy, but my first love, it never really
went away...

Tommys my second love, but I could never love anyone as
much as I loved my first love. I guess that feeling won't
ever go away. The way I love my first love, was so pure,
so true, the only problem was that I was sad too, for all
the wrong reasons. He was too free with other women too,
but I can understand, who could not love someone so kind,
sweet, generous, and utterly adorable. But that boy had
too many women hanging around, I couldn't stand that part,
always made me jealous, even at my bestfriend. Oddly, he
broke up with me. I cried so hard, and the one thing I
didnt expect, was the one who broke up with me, was the one
who was there when I cried my heart out. He wasn't just
my boyfriend, he was my bestfriend, and in many ways, he
still is. Its so complicated, but I'll always love him. I
don't mean to make this any worse, or sound pervertedly
sick, but, my first love, that boy, is Tommy's younger
brother, Jason. yup, pretty bad ain't it? I dunno why.
They're half brothers though, so its not as bad as it may
appear, but it is bad., well, sick if you really dwell on
it. Maybe just because I never won't stop loving Jason,
that I cant marry Tommy. Like that I feel automatically
commited to Jason. Like, when we stopped gonig out, it was
like I was available, but we always had that
boyfriend/girlfriend connection, we've always been pretty
good friends anyways, but I just dunno. Anyone have any
input. Well, I got to right now, gotta try to get a hold
of Tommy Baby. Mmmmm...-Bye


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