A Misanthropist's Journal
2005-03-13 10:03:06 (UTC)

Shattered love and the power of Feeling Not

I will introduce myself as one of the haters of humankind.
A slightly sociopathic creature that has learnt social
contacts are unpleasant but necessary most times.
Yesterday I thought there is only one person in this world
that is not part of my family and that I actually like
being with and this person will leave me by the end of the
year. She's my best friend and we've been unseparated
companions for 4 years, going through all the greatest and
the worst moments of my teenager existence, going through
the changes and definitions of my personality as it is
now, going through life at its peak intensity.
In 6 months from now I will be 20 and I will leave the
magic land of being in one's teens, when life is easy and
you don't have a care in this world. I guess for me being
20 will be more like a challenge, it denotes an ending of
some sort and a brand new, not very attractive-looking
I don't have many friends and yet people don't hate me as
much as I hate them, partly because they're not aware of
my feelings, and they just consider me a rebel and an
introvert. What comes out of my mouth when I leave the
inner-state are usually sarcasm and cynicism that they
don't appreciate but learnt to tolerate. Because I'm
useful and because I'm worth it and I can use my mind to
help them at times.
Don't get me started on the notion of love though because
it's easy to guess - I think - what sort of judgement I
might share with you. For 6 years I've been trying to
define love and for 6 years I failed to believe in it
although I attempted constantly to do so. It's always been
a problem with my timing in every situation I ever
generated feelings for somebody. Besides, what's worst
about me is the fact that I throw away after I have and I
do this with people and it's not a very nice thing to do
you know. I like someone, I have someone, I dump someone,
and usually that someone is one and the same person. Most
times however I don't get to have that someone because of
that 'TIMING' issue of mine that stinks big time.
I developed a method of giving off feelings by admiring
different people from the tv, like usually actors and
sportsmen. This helps me not lose track of my own emotions
and still generate them (just to keep me in shape) and
it's also a thing of ideals and perfection and the human
nature that has a fascination for the untouchable.
In real life however I have no feelings for men and I tend
to look at them in a critical way, thus spoiling the
beauty of any relationship I might have. My most 'serious'
relationship lasted 5 dates in 3 weeks and another 2 or 3
extra-dates later (just to make sure HE WAS a creep:)).
My sexual life was a bit different somehow. Because it
didn't have to involve feelings so I've been able to
experiment more. There has been a not very wide range of
people - boys and girls - that I have tried sex stuff
with, reaching a point of actual perversity and the truth
is that I don't regret these things at all.
Anyway, my most annoying issue is that after all these
sexual curiosities, I am still a virgin. Why? I couldn't
know for sure but I guess the trouble is that I'm so
afraid of pain. Of any pain. And as no higher feelings
like love forced me to overcome my fears and finally get
me to have a proper fuck, I was left with this purity
stamp that doesn't represent me at all.
As I once said, this virginity doesn't show my purity and
innocence, but rather is an expression of the loathing I
nurture for men around me. It might sound a bit hard to
digest and is probably an exaggeration but there is a
certain amount of truth in these words.
So in this situation I decided to go to the doctor and
have this surgically fixed for me. The operation is called
a 'hymenotomy' and the procedure involves general
anaesthesia (I felt to read it as - pain free). I know
it's a dark way to start my sexual life or at least I
would like to see it as dark and weird and scandalous,
brings me so much joy thinking myself as a real crank, a
crazy fuck... a voice inside me is chuckling evilly at
this thought. So next Friday, in less than a week I'm
heading to the doctor to get surgically deflored then I'd
consider buying a t-shirt with these words on it, wear it
in the street -'I've been surgically deflored!' haha And
no love to stop it, no love to make me come to better
thoughts and no feelings to make me romantically fall in
the arms of a loving man who would do this for me in a
love-filled atmosphere. That's exactly my point. If ever,
love will come to me some day, but I ain't gonna wait for
it with the purity label on. Fuck purity I lost that crap
a looong time ago.
But enough for now... I shall continue this later, when I
will talk about the things I love and that I sincerely
believe in.

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