Nasethray

Book of Dreams
2005-03-13 05:55:31 (UTC)

the hope talk

wow..today i sewed a lot. but the main thing i want to talk
about is "the talk" my mom and i had tonight. it was about
me liking myself. she thinks that i hate myself, but i
really don't. i like myself..just because i cut doesn't mean
i don't like myself. i just love to cut..it's like how some
girls love to shop. but i hate the mall. it scares me. there
are so many people, and i'm always afraid i'm going to see
someone there that i know. i don't ever want to go there
unless i absolutely have to :(. -- i hate the sad face,
especially when derek gives me it. omg it makes me so upset.
but anyways..about liking myself..i do like myself..i
think i am pretty. i think i'm getting a little chubby, and
i need to persue weight loss. i just keep EATING AND EATING.
i'm going to look like kirstie alley (NEVER!). i want to get
new clothes and get rid of all my old ones except a few
things. but we don't have that kind of money, and i don't
want to be like christina. all she cares about is her
appearance. but she's really a selfish bitch on the inside.
if she gets a guy it's only because she'll be a gold digger
just like her mom is. and she'll spend all of her money on
clothes, like she does now. emma's starting to get that way
too. i never really liked emma, she's just too "HAHA I'M
GONNA TAKE OVER THE WORLD WITH RABID SQUIRRELS!". it's
ridiculous. i've always been the mature one in the
group....but what is "the group"?
my mom asked me if i wanted her to know me and i said no.
it's true, i don't. i don't like her yet i love her at the
same time. that's how i am with christina. i watch her at
school all the time, i just can't keep my eyes off of her. i
remember when we would hang out and when she fell into the
pool with all of her clothes on purposely. i wish she would
talk to me. but anyways. my mom is just so stupid and
shallow. all she was doing tonight was comparing me to kids
that she saw at the party she was catering at. she was like
"i want you to be happy like them". the only time i'm happy
is when i'm with derek and kathryn. they make my life
livable. i'm so thankful for them. ijust wish derek didn't
get mad at me so often. he gets mad at the littlest things,
it's rather annoying. i don't want to sleep tonight, but at
the same time i do. i feel so bipolar..i can never make up
my mind..and i don't remember the decisions and choices i
make. i feel so dumb sometimes, but then i feel smart.
LAUREN MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!! UGH.
i wish he wouldn't be so hard on me. i wish he would cut
me some slack...i can't be perfect for him..i probably never
will be, because i'm stupid and i can never remember
anything. sometimes i don't know where to go in life. i want
to be a genetic engineer or a teacher or something, then i
picture myself working at a gas station. GIVE ME A BREAK. i
hate the bumps between my boobs. hopefully i'm getting on
accutane soon for my acne. i mean we have tried EVERYTHING.
it's time that we actually Cure it. have you heard of the
cure before? i think it sounds really stupid, even though i
haven't listened to any of their music yet.
i hate the label "poser". if someone wants to dress a
certain way then they should be allowed to. if someone acts
a certain way that is them, that isn't them COPYING somebody
else, even if they ARE copying somebody else, that is them,
and they are that. if someone wants to wear black then they
can. why is "poser" only used for "gothic" people? why isn't
it used for "preppy" people???? what the fuck???
what am i?
am i a label?
do i really care?
HAHA chrissy is dreaming!!! AND THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO,
DIARY!!!

diary, i love derek with all of my heart. what should i do
about his anger? how can i talk to him about it without him
losing his head? i want him to be a calmer person..i'd tell
him to lsiten to classical music but he'd never do that -_-.
but why couldn't he give it a try, you know? i want him to
love me deeply and passionately. i want him to really feel
the love for me with his every breath. i want him to not
judge me. i want to feel secure in our relationship. i want
him to let things go. i want him to forgive and forget.
but will he ever?
i'm not sure
i really do not know.
talk to you soon,
~ ~Lauren~ ~


====
DereksComment.

I Don't like classical music... but I have like 4 or 5 enya
cd's if that counts... : ( I Love you so much, I just want
to push you to do the best you cna do at everything you work
on! = ) I Love you my sweet angel of death, Lauren I Love
you! =D *hugs you tightly* 3 Derek




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