Tainted yet Free

The One You Can Only Dream Of Having
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2005-03-12 16:40:02 (UTC)

welcome to my life

I sit here at 3am... eating cocopops and an iceblock. What
a memorable moment, im being sarcastic. Bored mindless and
unable to sleep.

I dont know what i'm doing with my life. I feel like a
slut, yet I know deep down I am not. I dont need a male to
entertain myself, actually I think a female would be an
interesting change right now, lol. And yet I always bounce
back to one male in particular. I wonder if there will be
anything more between us, I doubt it.

Thinking about it, it is difficult for me to actually think
about that. The kissing the touching, is intertaining, very
very entertaining. But would i want more? No idea, depends
how caught up in the moment i am... depends how caught up
in the moment he is, lol.

I dont think he enjoys his time with us females that love
to touch (do we not my friend!!), it unstables him
mentally. Though im sure he enjoys himself when hes in the

I sit here and feel empty... cold... alone... i seem to say
that a lot now... When i am watching a male or female in my
room playing with another, then i am fine. I am not alone,
i dont feel weak anymore. I am in my element and having
fun... This excites me, that i can teach others what I have

I expect so much from Deniz, i dont mean to... I am just
lonely and now im looking for him for comfort, which maybe
u shouldnt be asking for him to give. And i feel bad about
it, yet i cannot help my actions.

I want someone who makes me feel good, i need someone who
understands my situation with chris, and trust me enough to
let me act of my own free will. I need someone who wants to
fight for me, and care for me. Someone who will know what
little things i need from them, and want to know the
guestures i like. I want someone who can ask as many
questions about me as i do about them. I want someone to
give me attention, as i rightly would give them...

Gah... i seem to want the world dont i? But all women do,
we all the want the world and more.

I want someone who will be able to find me when i dont want
to be found and just sit next to me in silence, or comfort
me... Everyone says they are there for me, but i want
something more, i want SOMEONE to do something more. The
same people saying that their there for me is only half of
what i need... i like when people say it, dont get me
wrong... But i need a male to ravish me, to take me in his
arms and hold me...

I want a man who feels good when he pleases me, and who
doesnt always just want to safice his own needs... He needs
to be in tune with my needs as well... Though can also sit
back and let me show him how its done, dats always nice ;)

I cannot get this from Chris any longer, not that i got
half of that from his before. He will no longer have me and
he knows it now. It was kind of funny, as he was pouring
out his heart to me on msn, i was flirting with deniz on
another convo. Kind of ironic actually. I am starting to
get bored with flirting with deniz, he never responds...
But I like to watch him on webcam, because his facial
expressions seem to say more than he ever writes... I like
it when he leans back in his chair and smiles, then looks
at the camera... lol

But anyway...

I am lonely, I want a replacement for Chris, and I want
Deniz to fill it... not at school yet... but out of school
I want him desperatly... to ease this horrid excitement I
keep thinking about, because it really is driving me
crazy!! Come on, its been two days since i've kissed him
and i'm still thinking about it, lol. Hhe hasnt got used to
my small mouth yet, lol. It was interesting when we were
shopping with meeks, i put on a guys jacket and he was
wearing a jumper with no sleeves, and i stood in front of
him in the mirror to see. We do look pretty good together,
but then again so did chris and i. But deniz, something
strange about him...

Artist, I seem to have that in common with him, not that i
can draw, but we are both good at expressing soul. Him with
his artwork, and me with my stories. Same with meeks :) A
writer and an Artist, strange. I dont think meeka will ever
approve of me doing anything with deniz, such as sex or
going out. It will ruin the 'threesome' thing that we have
together... lol. Dun think we'd ever get that far neway...

But i like this stuff, two artists and a writer...
interesting mix, were all clinically insane... sweet...

I think i am going to invite him to parklea tomorrow, i
want to see if he wants to go... he probably wont, but i
mite as well try... Tis a shit dat meeks is always
workin... but oh well...


Bai bai people...