2005-03-12 05:43:40 (UTC)

OK, so bars are out. . . life. . . grinds to halt. . .

Yeah, since my last bar-type outing, i've sworn them off.
True, I am saving money for college. True, there are a
maximum of 4 crazy drunks in the house at any given time.
True, I don't really feel like going to a bar, but FUCK!
there is nothing else to do in this redneck, greasy oilman
town. NOTHING. Everyone just wants to get drunk, high, and
laid. I'd have better luck living in a Hutterite colony,
methinks. I just want to go out where there's people. Sane
people. Sober or at least pleasantly drunk people.
Somewhere where guys will talk to you, but not be complete
friggin' idiots about it, being grabby, touchy, feely,
vulgar, etc. "So, I hear this is a one-night stand kind of
town?" "Did you, did you really? I heard that this is an
aids-infested kinda town, ya sick fuck. Do I LOOK like a
skank?" Needless to say, I'm rather conservative. I like
it when people come up, say hey, what's your name, start a
conversation, stuff like that. Give me a little info about
yourself. Bars. . . are not anywhere I would ever meet
someone, not that I really need to worry about that.

I used to go out almost every day, and I think I'm in bar
withdrawl. All the visual and audio stimuli. Am bored out
of my skull.

A lot of the time, I'll go out with my buddy Sam. She's
fun to hang out with, but I'm just looking for something
fun to do, and she's looking for the next fling. She'll
throw herself at any given hottie. Me, I'm just hoping to
run into people I know, talk a bit, dance with friends,
kill a saturday night, get nice and drunk, and love the
world. And, I don't know why, but I feel bad for Sam. I've
known her since we were 12, the idea of my childhood
friend in that situation saddens me. I don't know why.
It's her life. Her decisions. She's a grown up.

Reading over this, I know i sound like some high and
mighty idealist. I'd like to think I'm not. I just. . .
I'd like to think there's more than this stupid repetitive
nothingness of drink, fuck, drink, fuck. What are the
chancing of this leading somewhere better in the end? And
Sam, you can find a great guy who loves you for your
personality, and you won't suffer the way you do with
these guys. I watch her, and she just feels worse every
time, it seems. She saw one guy with another girl,
(really, what did she expect?) and just couldn't stop
raving about it the whole night. But really, Sam, did ya
know his last name?

And I feel like a stupid kid for not wanting this
lifestyle. I'm still the stupid kid who wants a
relationship, wants to love someone, marry someone. JEEZ.
I don't know.

Then there's my other friend, Mary. She's as conservative
as they come, kind of. Put in a certain situation, she
wouldn't be conservative, but the whole conservative
aspect of her personality keeps her from ever getting into
these situations (sounds stupid, I know). She's a bit of a
hermit. Complains about being bored all the time, but
refuses to leave the house. Me and Sam dragged her to the
strippers once. It was so much fun. We've all got group
pictures, us and the guys. Fun Times.

Ugh. Am having a hard time killing time. Am waiting for
b/f to return tomorrow. He's my solace in this weird
world. I miss him. The world makes sense when he's around.
Everything doesn't seem like a horror flick. He's so sweet
and senstive and kind and wonderful. Just 12 more
hours.. . . can hardly wait to see him. May be moving in
with him in september.