AutumLeaves

Autum's Leaves
2005-03-12 04:04:08 (UTC)

Trapped

You know, most of the time, when writing, I try to be
objective and a little impersonal, but since no one really
reads this anyway, I'm going to write about me being sad.

My parents divorced when I was five, no big deal. But,
they never tell you how it's going to mess with your mind
later in life. Because it was never one thing for me, it
was always two, I am split in two. I was raised with two
conflicting people and two conflicting families. Each has
a problem with the other. The obsessively Christian one
really hates the liberally Christian one. Due to this,
I've learned to be objective, to question. Neither one of
my parents are better than the other, they're like normal
people, they're riddled with flaws like anyone else. I
have immortalized no one. My father's family, in
particular, is a very non-accepting group. They believe in
what they believe, they are happy with the confines of
themselves, they have no aspirations to deal with the
outside world. I love this world, and everything about it.
I hate that people pollute it.

The thing is, to stop myself from rambling, I don't fit
in with them. My Dad's wife, my Grandmother tells her to
sit somewhere, she sits there, she tells her to do
something, she does it. I can't do that. I want to be a
teacher, my Grandfather looks down on teachers. The look
down on anyone that's not like them and I just can't deal
with it anymore. I have two to three month left of
highschool, then I'm going on my senior trip, and moving
into a dorm in the Fall. I've had to deal with this my
whole life, and I just think that maybe he should know,
for once. He knows nothing about me. He's never come to
any of my plays, not even the big musicals, he didn't see
me at my first prom, he didn't support me when I went to
the rally. He knows nothing about me, who I am, what I
believe in...I've never had a good relationship with my
father and it kills me. My Mom and I have problems but for
the most part we get along great. We keep to ourselves,
when we get on each others nerves we stay away from each
other for awhile and then maybe go out to lunch. I see my
Dad once a week. I usually stay Friday nights and Saturday
mornings, then I leave and come back home. I used to stay
all weekend, but I quite going to church, and I won't
again if I can help it.

I know everyone has problems with their family, and
mine probably seems minor to a lot of people, but I never
wanted my family to be like that. These people are
supposed to be the people that are always there for me,
that will always support me, that will always back me up
no matter what, because they'd love me no matter what. I'm
not even doing anything bad, anything crazy. I don't
party, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. All I want is a
good relationship with these people. All I want is just
for them to accept me for who I am, and not look down on
me.


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