dead mindless crap
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2005-03-11 11:52:05 (UTC)


oh dear.....yet again i find myself writing about this
girl....only not in a notebook.
Kara has haunted my mind for over a year now......i just
wont let it go......hmmm...maybe i dont make much sence.

kara is this girl from nebraska that started talking to my
bfriend matt like fuking years ago.....but shes not any
normall girl.....shes the special type...beleive me.
anyway......matt and her had a really special relationshit
which lasted like 5 years just over the net....she sent him
a box which i found in his room ages ago and it had all this
stuff in it....and since then iv never been quit the same.
its like they actually loved each other...but not just in a
sexual way.

there is so much more to say but it would probably take up
my whole day writing.

last night i started going crazy on the computer
again....and thats when i start looking for her on things
like faceparty....well yeah....been feelin really bad bout
that. i saved some pictures too....

later on when matt got back from work it was like he couldnt
stand looking at the pictures cos it was bringing back
memories or he went away and left me staring
at these pictures listning to sad songs and crying my eyes
out for ages.

i asked him this morning if he ever asked to see pictures of
her when they were friends.....he said no.....but he did ask
of other girls.....the ones he didnt care so much of.
its like he had respect for her..and he loved her....thats
why i wish they had actually gone out together cos then he
wouldnt have the same feelings......the last e-mail i read
that she had sent to him said something like......if
anything ever changes with you and kirsty i will always be
here for you....or some shit like that...and thats it!, she
will ALWAYS be there.....I wont.....thats why i wish i was
in her shoes cos then i would always be that special girl
that had no flaws....

but ye, im getting carried away.....whats really getting me
down at the moment is that i feel like some cheap slut.
thats how matt makes me feel.
all he ever really wants to do is have sex with me...we had
sex before we started going out.....sometimes i feel like he
actually just wants to lie and look at me and coudle me and
kiss me nicely but then that always leads to sex and after
that hes not as affectionate atoll...

he makes me feel so.....worthless.....i wish i had someone
that was more like a good friend and really really cared
about me.......

i dont think he beleives me when i say i want to die.

i wasnt expecting to write this much but it just happend.

let me have strength