nin137

Nick's Journal
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2005-03-11 04:15:46 (UTC)

My "Girl"

i haven't written nearly enough about her. mostly she has
occupied an opaque, indirect influence on all of my journal
entries. well i would like to set the record straight on
her. she is not some sort of holographic, transcendental
image permeading my life in some sort of surreal fashion.
she sleeps next to me every night and i couldn't feel more
greatful. the only song i can possibly conjure to convey my
feelings for her is joe cocker's "what are you doing with a
fool like me?". i am nothing but a sad little fool in this
world, sordidly grasping onto my own notions. i don't
understand why such a beautiful woman would want to spend
her time with me. but i see here, and i'm there with her
for so many days and nights and logic would dictate that i
would feel more distant from her the more she breaks through
my barrier of anti-social isolationism. but yet when i see
her in the morning, or i just see her at the gold's gym, i
just feel so damn privileged and "blessed" (in the
trinidadian sense) :-). so as horribly sappy and saccharine
it may sound, i just feel that she sees me and not what i
try to become. that makes me feel that i will be a success
even though i "fail". she knew me when i seriously thought
of selling my belongings on e-bay just to have enough money
to meet my payments. and to all of my "frustration" she
won't acknlowedge me as a better person even though, i make
so much more money now than the broke version of nick. i
love her for that, she knows me at the lowest end of my life
and she wouldn't stand me assuming that i could be beter
than that version. i will always be, and always have been
one person to her. and since no matter how many forms i
assume i can only really retain one characteristic shape of
myself i believe that she knows me for who i truly am. i
love her for staying with someone like me. i am more than
far from perfect, yet she always make me feel like i have
attained this title.
my "girl" who works herself to death on ab exercises and
yoga fitness classes, is my baby for life, for she is the
one who truly knows me....and furthermore...actually loves
what she has discovered.


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