Just a guy

Logic of the Insane
2005-03-10 19:51:58 (UTC)

Revisiting the past...

Y'know, it's funny...I was just sitting here in my room
and for some reason I was reminded of this site...I haven't
been here for over a year, I think, I didn't check
exactly...but I digres, it's funny going back and reading
my diary entries from High School...and I don't know the
author. It's weird, I know it was me, but that me is not me
anymore. Call it what you will, I've grown up, gained
wisdom with age, or experience, etc. ...all I know is that
I've changed.
I'm 19 now, my 20th birthday is coming up in July, and
I"m not really excited about that. Something about that
number solidifies your adulthood. I don't know, just a
number, really, but sometimes nominal things have a deeper
meaning. I haven't been fairing well at the local community
college, so I'm taking a semester off and trying to re-
evaluate a couple of aspects of my life. I am, by all
definitions that matter, unemployed. I just picked up a
part-time backstage tech position with a production of
Tartuffe. That and I'm probably going to be the Stage
Manager for the High School's Spring musical...I know,
going back to High School after two years is kind of lame,
but it's theater, and I want to do it. The Tartuffe job
pays a very small amount, so that's why I don't consider it
Since my last entry...I think it was just after
graduation... a lot of things have changed. I have realized
that I do have a problem with loving love. And who can
blame me? It is a great feeling, but I have developed some
control over it. I no longer fall in love so quickly and so
deeply. I've learned that moderation in relationships, as
in every aspect of life, is a good foot to step out on. I'm
not actively searching for a girlfriend, but who knows what
one will encounter throughout the walk of life.
Updates...hmmm, well, Shelly is away at college...we
used to write letters to each other, but she's very
terrible at keeping in touch, and I haven't sent another
letter in many months, maybe I should. She was in town
sometime last year, I forget how long ago, and we had
lunch. She looks like she is doing well, and she is having
fun at college with her twin sister, Jackie.
Bellissima, we had a problem several months ago and it
ended with a period of silence between us. I messed up, and
she did, too. It just happened, but since then, we've
spoken again, and I believe are on okay terms. No where
near what we were before, but at least it's not a negative
splot in my life anymore.
Cico and Jessica, well, after it all, I decided to let
them be. After all, if they are happy, who am I to break
them apart. Love knows no age, I suppose... Well, Jessica
moved to Thousand Oaks, I believe...and she's going to
school somewhere over there. She works at Victoria Secret
and appears to be very happy. I saw her about a month ago
at a play. Cico is doing well, he still works for Adelphia
and is now a part-time Fire-Fighter. And according to him,
he's been single for 2 years now. So, I guess they've
decided to move on from each other and keep it on the
I don't know if I mentioned Meghan in my previous
entries at all, but she was the last of my psycho-love
figures. I still deeply care for her, but we, too, are on
non-speaking terms. This one, however, is entirely my
fault. She and I met during a play my Junior year, and I
thought she was really cool, just something about her
grabbed my attention. Well, Senior year, we started hanging
out a lot more and there was this problem with one of my
friends Noe, who also really liked her, talking to me about
everything and then turning what I had said into a twisted
creepy thing and relaying it to Meghan. So she stopped
talking to me until the Spring of 2003 when we had a class
together and started working on the production of Our Town
together. We got pretty close, and long story short, Noe's
deceptions were brought to light and Meghan and I liked
each other. So, about a week after graduation, we talked
about it, and decided to start going out. A few days later,
I left for my New York trip, and a couple of days after I
returned, she said that she didn't want a relationship
anymore. I tried to be understanding, but in my immaturity,
I made a lot of mistakes, still trying to be more than
friends and not simply relaxing and just letting things run
their course. As you can immagine, this made her very
uncomfortable and we stopped talking. She was away at Cal
Poly by that time, and several months went by, but by all
means, I think the time apart only fueled my feelings for
her, and when we finally talked again, I still liked her a
For that time, I had fallen in with a new crowd, Angel,
Andrew and Greg. They're all great guys, and the advice
they gave me about the situation was to be a jerk, because
girls like jerks. So, I tried it, but it wasn't me. And
Meghan saw right through it and called me out on it, and
again, we were incommunicado. And we've remained so to the
present time. I would like to extend an olive branch and
let her know that I've grown up since then, but I'm wary
about how I should go about it. I don't want to IM her or e-
mail, and I"m not going to just show up, so it seems like
the telephone is my answer, but I could see it being
akward. Well, I guess I'll have to do it sooner or later,
and I'd much rather it was sooner.
Right now? Well, I'm working on getting my lisence, I
know, I know. Almost 20 and no driver's lisence? How did
you survive?! Well, walking and friends. But I must admit
that it has gotten old not being able to get myself around.
I bought a car, but I can't afford the insurance on it.
That's where the part-time job comes in. I applied
yesterday at Contractor's Warehouse and today I'm going
into Vons to apply. So, I'm hoping Vons works out since is
it a lot closer than CW.
I am sort of in a band, it's a Christian, multi-genre
rock band called Drastic Measure. I play the keyboard, Greg
is on Drums, Andrew is lead vocals and rhythm guitar, Angel
is Bass and background vocals(harmonies), and Javier
(Andrew's dad) is background vocals and lead guitar, and
he's freaking awesome at it, too. Alltogether I like the
music we play. It's all different and we're talking to a
studio up in San Jose called Biklops records. Working out a
possible record deal. So that's exciting. And if it works
out, it'll be awesome.
Well, I have got to get going, I've wasted too much of
this morning online as it is. I'm going to try and
regularly update this journal, it's a good place to vent
about anything. I'll see you all around. ~ Jules