Mind of Mayhem
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2005-03-10 14:44:40 (UTC)

looking back

i had another sleepless night last night. Kept on thinking
of random things over and over. In particular i was
thinking about my dad. He died Jun 03 and i'm not sure how
i'm coping with it. I don't talk about him to anyone but
i'm nearly always thinking about him. My dad was great. He
had an illness all his life but that never stopped him
from being himself. He always made jokes which were never
funny, but you'd always laugh cause he said it. He smoked
tobbaco for years and after he had gone, i looked at his
pouch in the cupboard and that filled my eyes up. I
wasn't afraid to show tears when he died. My brothers
were a bit more held back but i saw them all express
themselves at one point or another. Now though, When i
visit the grave yard i'm always holding back. My husband
goes with me but i feel like i'm being silly for not
getting over it so quickly. Is that right? I don't know
what to feel when it comes to this subject.
When he went i had the biggest kick up the arse of my
life. I was in a daze for a bit but after, life became
clearer. I was suicidal before and my head was everywhere.
I was in hospital for a month and all i focused on was
death and dying. When dad went, my mind told me that what
i was doing was wrong. How would chris and Alexa feel if i
took my life? Like i felt when dad went? I didn't want
that. Not even for my worse enemy.
My suicidal thoughts these days are non existant, even
when i get depressed which is good. Chris dosn't have to
keep an eye on me anymore and spend all night every night
trying to calm me down. I don't know how he went to work
everyday in his state. I needed to get that off my chest
and i'm glad i have now. I love you always dad XXX

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