2005-03-10 08:36:15 (UTC)

I am crazy and pathetic

Well, this weeked was different. Went to an old school
chums wedding with SIL, FI didnt want to go. Didnt want to
either. Thought it would be same ole people. But it was a
pleasant surprise to see those 5 guys from way back.
Especially one of them.. So strange. I just emailed his
girlfriend a few days ago to get their address for the
wedding. We were sitting in the church and I got one of
those feelings that told me to look in a certein direction.
I saw him. Or rather I should say them. As in him, his gf
and their baby. Was very self conscious after that. Shannon
told me to look, so I acted like it was no big deal and
that I hadnt seen him already. Well, wedding over, I talked
to his GF for a few, went to reception. He got there first.
Wasnt very talkative at first, but he warmed up somewhat.
Its been about 3.5 yrs. I saw him one time when she was
preggers, but I was too disgeusted to acknowlege him. I'm
not quite sure if it was at him or myself. Any who. All of
the others ended up showing up, we had fun and they went
out with us. She didnt come though. Im glad I dont have
kids. I was drunk, but I thought he was looking at me
strangely a few times. He rubbed my shoulders. I think I
had a silent internal orgasm. He sat by me. Sort of in
front of me, beside me kind of thing. Our legs touched in
an obvious way that both of us could have moved them , but
didnt. I was very aware of the situation. He mentioned that
he has heard that I was getting married. I may have
expressed some sentiment of doubt. He told me not to do it.
Yea- if it were that easy. I told him it was too late, yada
yada, dresses have been bought, checks have been signed.
And I dont not want to get married, Im just having doubts.
Seeing him didnt help the situation either. Forgot to
mention that him and gf didnt seem very affectionate. Maybe
kids will do that to ya. Well, we left and were going to
B's house. I thought he was coming, but he ended up going
home, so we hung out with the other guys which was cool.
Very strange night. How do know if you really have feelings
for someone or if its just infatuation, or some desperate
attempt to take back your freedom before you make such a
big commitment. Desperation. I dont know. Its just crazy. I
am crazy. I cannot honestly still be interested in him
after all this time. It started when I was 16. Eight years
later, he can still do that to me? It must be limmeration.
Like Jill said, can you honestly see your self with him.
Truthfully, no. And he was obviously never interested in me
in the first place. I mean, I never told him how I felt,
but he was smart enough to figure it out. Besides, even if
he wasnt, one of the 8 thousand people who knew probably
spilled the beans. But we were always friends. I always
liked him in some sort of a way. He is just special. When
most people look at you, they are doing just that. But he
kind of looks into to you. Like really looks. Am I giving
him too much credit? When I was 16 I liked him. I wouldnt
tell him though. I cried when he and D started talking. I
was glad when he decided he didnt like her. I like him when
i was 20 too. shortly before I met A. But I was living off,
and not around much. When I came back, he and B hooked up.
After that I was just like, fuck it. And I havent even
thought about him much in the past few years. But everyone
once in awhile. Well- I gotta go.

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