Diary of daily life and feelings
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2005-03-10 06:29:02 (UTC)


Well let me start by saying this is my first time i ever
wrote a online diary. My counselor made this suggestion as
a good stress reliever so this is a start for me. I wanna
start by saying the reason i am writing this diary is to
express what has been going on in my life the last 3 months
and i truly need to get it out in the open. I wanna start
by saying back in October of 2004 i started to see a guy
that i thought was going to absolutely be the one. Well in
november i let him move in with me to get him out of a bad
situation where he was at and in promise of him that he
would get a job. the 3 months we were together well i mean
at least the first two was nice to be told that i was loved
and he wanted to spend forever with me. and he always said
the sweetest things to me. well as things turned out he
never got a job we fought in the end after the breakup
things only got worse there were some major secrets coming
out and he left state so about a month after he left i was
an emotional mess. i got past it i was put in Osu medical
center to get put on some meds to help me cope with stress
and depression and some physical problems. well anyways
after the ex got where he was him and the guy he stays with
has caused me so much grief and bull**** i had to totally
get away from the whole situation. I am a disabled
individual i don't wanna put alot of emphasis on this
because i am past it now but it helps to write about it
when it comes to mind every so often. This is a guy that i
started falling in Love with and had me finally convinced
he was in love with me before dumping me in the end then
come find out later he never was in love with me but only
to find out he and an aquaintance i know was getting it on
behind my back and the whole time we were together he was
trying to move in with this guy i know and faking his
happiness with me. Why would anyone do something like that?
I will never know i guess. I had a lesbian friend that now
gives him so called info about me thats incorrect and
accurate in anyway. I have asked the ex and the guy he
lives with to leave the situation alone. I feel like i was
the loser in the end of all this. I just don't understand
why he did what he did or his motive for it. If he didn't
love me all that time why put me through all those awful
things he did and tell lies about me that weren't true?
Even to this day it still hurts not as bad as it did 2
months ago but it will always be there. I am not sure as to
how to forgive a situation or a person like that? Hes not
around for me to express myself to and confront. I will say
I will always love him and he will always have a place in
my heart but i didn't love what he did to me. he has costed
me finacially,mentally,emotionally. allthough things have
gotten much better I am back to reality now living alone in
a new place and working part time along with getting my
disability income i am doing well for myself and i seek
counseling once a week and on some medication that has
turned my life completely around. I just wish the ex was
here to sit and talk to and let him know what he put me
through and how it effected me in all ways in which i
mentioned not that he would probably care but the thought
is still there to at least talk to him now that i am well
and taking each day as it comes to me. but with better
perspective. but i hope some day he understands what he did
i am not a bad guy and i make mistakes the same as anyone
else but he knew what he was taking on with me when he met
me and he knew what i was going through at the time and i
thought he understand and was supportive but instead he
judged me and used it against me in the end. that also
hurts that someone would do something like that. He also
costed me friendships but then again if those people
believe everything someone tells them instead of coming to
the source then they weren't my friends from the start. I
am just happy to get my own apt again i hope someday though
to meet a nice geniune guy and loving at that. theres a
couple guys i am talking to that seem that way and they
know my situation and are very caring so who knows good
luck may be finally coming to me. But its still hard to get
past the one i truly love he doesn't know i love him still
but i do more than he knows. time to end now bedtime.