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2005-03-10 04:06:00 (UTC)

He's My Everything

I know I already talked in here once today, but I didn't
say some things I feel like I need to.
I'm could talk forever about Jared. I know I almost have
already, but this is what these are pretty much all going
to be about for a while. Jared is killing me... not
literally, or purposefully, and he's not even aware of
it... I know that I should just suck it up and tell him
exactly how I feel, but I don't want to ruin what we do
actually have. If he'd let me, I'd be there for him every
second of every day if he needed me to. He means that
much. He means more than he'll ever know. Because I'm
afraid to tell him. Because I'm afraid to put myself out
there, and wear my heart on my sleeve. It's too fricken
scary. And I know that if I did, he'd never be horribly
mean and absolutely crush me... but turning me down in any
way would crush me. He holds my heart in the palm of his
hand, he could do whatever he wanted with it, and it
scares the shit out of me. It freaks me out that someone
has that much power over me. His messenger status
dictates my mood. I get horribly overwhelmingly sad when
he doesn't come on when I am. And I get overly excited
when he does.
It hurts so much that I can't move on either. It's funny
how i hardly ever see him, but I picture him in my head
every single day. He's the last thing I'm thinking about
before I fall asleep at night, and a lot of the time he's
on my mind immediately after I wake up. He's the one guy
to ever do that to me. I've never cared so much about
someone in my life. It absolutely freaks me out.
Love could shatter my soul.

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