Albus Lupusolus
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2005-03-10 02:27:54 (UTC)

yay you know the deep end, well it is like 100's of miles behind me

well atleast i think i know the answer to my quwstion
considering that she decided to break up with me all of a
sudden. i mean its not like i thought everything was going
right except for the fact that we were 45 miutes away. why
is that people like that still exist? its just pathetic to
think that they would do something as getting my hopes up
and then just breaking me without a reason, i dont care
about the breaking that doesnt bother me but without a
reason. that is what hurts me. i cried for her once and i
wont do it again. for what she has said and done since like
tuesday, aka yesterday, shes i snot worth it. i thougt she
was different then those stupid people that do things just
to do things without caring for what happens, but now guess
i was wrong. ithought you were the one that was atleast
halfway decent and ended up with something not even worth
talking about. stop being like the others which are weak
and pathetic. i thought that you werent weak and pathetic
but now you have proven that wrong to me. and you have
proven that i shall always trust my funny feeling. it told
me there was something you were hiding something taht made
a difference in our relationship and i guess that i found
it. i expected more from a person taht has been through
what you have been through. you forgave her and i think you
forgave me and even if you didnt i will not forget that
even though what i did you still wanted to be with me. but
then i realize that it is only me being too kind for my own
good again. i said i love you very reluctantly and thats
because i dont know what love is but i do know that love
comes from both sides and what i thought as love was what
was happening between us. but you proved that wrong. so far
you have proven that exptemely wrong. but it looks like ill
have to do the thing i always do. i go forward. why is it
that whenever im in my happy place i trip, fall on my face,
slide 10 meters on concrete with rocks sticking out, into
barbed wire, off the cliff, into the river after i bounce
back and forth a few times from the sides of the vally,
dragged into the rapids, down the wter fall with the jagged
edges of rocks, into a whirlpool, cought by an ocean
current which leads me strait into an erupting volcano, and
to top it all of i servive. this is what happens to me
emotionally every once and a while. id say about once evry
three months seems to be just about the average. oh yea i
dont consider this to be a relationship mainly because
there was no reason to end it. it doesnt seem logical but
it is. because a real relationship has a reson to end but
not a fake one. hear is the reason for my title of this
diary. albus means white lupus means wolf and solus means
alone or lone. so i am a white lonewolf. here is a poem
that kinda describes me.

Lone dog
I'm a lean dog, keen dog, a wild dog, & lone;
I'm a rough dog, a tough dog, hunting on me own;
I'm a bad dog, a mad dog, teasing silly sheep,
I love to sit & bay the moon, keep fat souls from sleep.

I'll never be a lap dog, licking dirty feet,
A sleek dog. a meek dog, cringing for mu meat,
Not for me the fireside, the well-filled plate,
But shut door, & sharp stone, & cuff & kick & hate.

Not for me the other dogs, running by my side
Some have run a short while, but non of them would bide
O, mine is still the lone trail, the hard trail, the best,
Wide wind, & wild stars, & hunger of the quest!
-Irene Rutherford McLeod

the two first sentences of the last stanza are the ones
that get me because it is so true. i am a lone wolf, but of
rare veriety and that is white, and white is the mixture of
all colors. life is learning that never ends, life is pain
that never ends, life is joy that never ends. today there
was this guy that said "cold is the absance of heat,
darkness is the absance of light, so bad is the absance of
good" there is a slight problem. bad is the absance of good
but good is the absance of bad, so couldnt you say that
good is just the absance of bad, well yes with this train
of thought. the problem is that one is used to define the
other and that is there definition. so that can only mean
one that, that there is no true bad and no true good there
is only life, but there is a problem with that too cause
there is good and there is bad. so where does this lead us.
well that life just keeps on rolling and we need to make
the best of it in a way that will last, and bad things dont
last long, good things tend to last longer than bad things
that is well known. as to my problem i want to know why so
that i can then move on. its as simple as that. there is no
greater meaning to the reason that i want to know why
except that then after the truth i can move on. for once im
the one taking and giving my own advice, aint that weird.
but thats me for you'll people.

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