Jessica Smith

Behind the Mask...
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2005-03-09 19:02:43 (UTC)

out of control

i have lost all control of everything
i dont really want to die but yet it is a constant thing on
my mind
i want to make all my pain go away
i am so sick of being at home
i don't have any one to talk to
i think deeply but cannot voice the deepness
normally when i eat i just eat a tiny littlie amount
today i just completely pigged out
then i felt bad about eating and so i made myself throw up
i think today i'll have to double the run
i have to refuse to take that temptation to eat
i don't really care what happens to me
i hate me i hate the way that i look
i don't get it why am i alive??
i should've died
i had a stash and someone found it and took that away from
i don't have any power
it disappeared when someone found my pills that i had
already on hand for when i really wanted to die
now it's gone
i have to find a new way to have some control over my life
what do i do?
i am searching for an answer to take away all the pain
to take control of my life that is spinning out of control

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