blkdragon

grounded
2005-03-08 16:22:58 (UTC)

NOSTA

Last night, Joshua came home with the guy named Crook,
he’s part of the group Nosta; been listening to his album
and cuts 4/5 rock the shit out of me so much that I play
them constantly! Hell I can’t even drive while playing #5,
moves me that much. We had conversations about relating to
the women in our lives, past and present, baby mama drama;
etc. They left to go to the courthouse, to keep the “Soul
Kitchen” from being rezoned, I was supposed to go but I
scheduled too many things at once.
I told Louisa I’d come for her tonight, we started the
conversation in the car, wasn’t easy. I told her that she
moves me, that brought a smile to her face, she stopped me
and told me that I have a way with words. I told her that
I try to choose the words I say carefully, I want them to
convey exactly what I mean; that's when she grabbed my
hand. I told her that we seem to be incompatible and
heading in not quite the same direction, told her that I
don’t allow my head and heart to oppose each other and
with her; that’s exactly what seems to be happening. She
was expecting the brush off and I was expecting to give
her one, she mentioned needing someone that’s financially
stable and I certainly am not (at the moment). We haven’t
spoken of her finances and I won’t ask, I make more than
enough money for myself and I told her that I won’t chase
fortune or fame, I do what I do for the love. She had me
come inside to continue the conversation, she even
asked her son to leave so we could resume, he didn’t want
to go and he eventually returned earlier than his curfew.
We’re not done discussing the issues on the table, the
fact that she grabbed my hand while we were in the car
spoke of her willingness to continue having me in her
life. I mentioned her inclusion of me in her future, she’s
still talking about the trip to Florida and hoping I’d go,
that’s not going to happen; especially if I were to find
myself in a room without her. Florida isn’t even a valid
topic for discussion, I’m not going and that’s that! It’s
not about sex, for those who haven’t had the experiences
I’ve had (it may be), sex is and always will be important
to me; there happens to be much more to relating to
another than just that.
She once asked me if I were trying to be sexy on the
phone, dumbest thing I’d ever heard, apparently she finds
my voice sexy though; good for me. I’m not putting on a
show for anyone, the woman in my life will know me well
enough to know that. When I put on my clothes, it’s not to
impress those that may be watching, it’s to feel good in
them; truth be told, I don’t need clothes at all. I’m not
building my body, God already did that. I don’t feel a
need to have rippling abs or bulging biceps, the strongest
muscle in the human body is the brain and I can think. I
won’t overcompensate for feelings of inferiority, can’t
say that I have them now, I do get nervous; not around
men. Around men, I’m either cool with them or on guard,
men aren’t the gender I spend the majority of my time
with; never have been. I’ve only had one partner that I
hung around with in my late teens and one I hung with in
my twenties, other than that it’s just been women, they’ve
been my friends and bedmates. Spent the majority of the
day ripping music to media files, I’ll go into those files
to compose for Pretty, one piece to illicit harmony and
another to touch a gamut of emotions that will help her
remember and deal with different times in her life.
After writing the last line, I thought I'd call her to see
how she's doing, she's been in a lot of pain lately;
physical/spiritual and emotional. She was multi-tasking
when I called, we ended after talking for a couple of
hours, my son had come home and asked if I knew it was
2am; I said yes and began powering down. I set my alarm
for 6:30am, he's burning the candle at both ends and I
thought I'd need to take him to school, I made breakfast
for us and he asked if I'd drive him; told him that I'd
already planned to last night, even though he told me he
wouldn't need me to. Joshua's V.P. of the BSU (Black
Student Union), people seek him out for discussions from A-
Z. He's also bartending at two spots, a hole in the wall
not far from the house, the owner's squeeze continues to
joke about rokkin his socks; she confuses sex with love
and he'd only be a notch on her belt. He's not having it!
The Mason Hall is the second place he's bartending and
they want to promote him to Mgt., it will invariably cause
some drama, the current manager will lose her clout;
that's a concern for him. At school, all the girls seem to
be attaching themselves to him, for reasons not always
with him in mind; like riding his coattails. We spoke
about Crook, his relationship with a White woman, why he
happens to be with her.
It's a lot easier for a Brutha to deal with a White woman
than a Sista, Sista's are no-nonsense and the things you
can float with her counterpart don't fly with her. It's
easier for a Brutha to tell himself that he's a man with a
White woman, the criteria are not as demanding or
numerous. and a Sista will tell him when she doesn't think
he's being a man. With a Sista, a Brutha runs the risk of
humiliation when he's done her wrong, that may be as it
should be.
With a White woman, he also runs some of the same risks,
but there's a Sword of Damocles hanging over his head. A
Sista may call a Brutha "nigga", doesn't have the same
connotations when a White woman uses it against her Black
man, that's a dangerous door to open and although most
won't admit it; deep in his heart (a Brutha) is waiting
for this woman to slip and let loose that dog. I won't
allow White or Black women to use the term in discussing
me, the same holds true for men in my circle, "nigga" is a
negative connotation that could never describe who or what
I am.
It's snowing like hell and below freezing right now, I'll
send Toya an email telling her that I may have to postpone
coming there tonight, we can shoot for Thursday night.





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