a_death_sensation

Thoughts and feeling of Cheryl
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2005-03-08 14:50:31 (UTC)

Same ol' topic...

Ive noticed how all these diary enteries always have the
same old topic...that being how we are always pissed off
by men!!!(or women if your a guy)How they mess us
around,how they can make us feel so low and how the
basicaly drive us to insanity. Im sick of it.
When i was single all i could think of was how i wish i
had someone there for me. It never really crossed my mind
of all the problems that come along with being in a
relationship. Obviously you have your good days when you
feel like nothing in the world could spoil that great
moment and the exciting,passionatefeeling you get, but
more often then not it is the total opposite.

I love my boyfriend Liam to peices. We've been together
now just over 6 months. This being my longest realtionship
to date. Ive always been the type to move on quickly from
one guy to another...and NO, im no slut. Im just at that
age where all i want to do is have fun, and not have to
worry about all the problems that could come of having a
fun night out with your friends and lots of single
guys; ), but Liam was to different. I felt this real
commitment to him right from the start. I cant explain
really without sounding really obsessive, but all i could
think about was being with him and no one else, and its
still like that now..but for that feeling to happen to me
so early in the realtionship was such a weird thing for
me.
Two months into our relationship i could already feel
myself falling for him bad. I didnt want to let onto this
though so early into the realtionship cause ive had real
trouble with guys in my past. My trust levels were stone
cold when it came to men and my confidence had gone down
to zero..i just couldnt risk all thoughs problems and
feeling happening again.
But soon those three little words soon started slipping
in, and before i new it we both had told eachother that we
loved eachother.
Things were so great between us after that. It was just
an amazing feeling to get to know someone like that and
fall even more in love with them in the progress.
They really were some of the best weeks of my life...but
before i new it things started taking a turn for the worst.
Because the weather was getting colder and the days were
gettin shorter, there seemed less things we could do. So
alot of the time we just stayed in. Thats when the
realtionship just turned into sex and tv. We would meet up
with eachother say everyother evening and just spend all
the time having sex.
This went on for about a month before I noticed a
problem. We hardly talked anymore. Just chit chat really.
I really missed the long conversations we used to have
when we first started going out. We could go for a walk
and sit on some park bench and talk all night without ever
having an akwared silence. it felt so special...and just
so right. I just longed for that again.
Once i realised this, thats when the arguments started
up. At first they were petty little things...so petty that
i cant even remember what they were about.
I admitt alot of the time i may have encoraged them but
i loved making up again afterwards as we both put in real
effort to make things right again..but things didnt get an
better.
Liams attiude to the realtionship seemed to change. It was
as though he was takin me for granted. Sometimes i wouldnt
see or hear from him on days on end. This really hurt
alot, at first i did the typical thing and phoned him on
any occasion i could to see when he was busy or when he
could fit me in and all i go was the same old answers
'Busy monday, skating tuesday,maybe free wednesday or
thurdays etc. etc.'
In the end i gave up. Ive never been the type to do all
the chasing and i wasnt in the right mood to start at that
very moment, so i just stopped phoning him and waited for
him to call me.
It wasnt long before he soon realised sonething was
up..but instead of either of us comfronting each other
about it, we just argued about any old thing...but i loved
him to much to end it over something so petty. I just
hoped with all my heart that it was just a rough patch and
things would sorth themselves out. Thats when i did the
worst thing possible and i will regret it till the day i
die...

Liams step-dad Keith had just recently got in touch with
his daughter Danni. Obviously Liam was quite excited about
meeting hsi new sister and i was really happen for him. It
was half term aswel so I new that when she came to stay
with them i wouldnt be able to see him that much for the
week becuase hes family would wana spend quality time with
her...
I decided not to bother them and thought id leave it
up to him to phone me to arrange to meet up. I didnt want
to seem like i was getting in the way...but after 5 days
with no contact at all i was fumming.Thats when i could no
longer hold that urge to phone him in but i was struck
with no answer several times. A million and one things
started flying through my head.
'Does he love me really?''Is he Just using me for abit of
fun on the sider??'
To be honest i didnt know what to think..all i could do
was cry, and cry and cry till it felt like i had drained
all the liquids out of my body but still i had that
feeling like my heart and had been smashed several times
with a sledge hammer.
For the next couple of days i think i actualy started
to hate him. Real bad. He had proved that ehwas the same
as ever other guy there is and all faith had been lost
that i could find a decent guy. i really couldnt see the
reltionship lasting any longer, no matter how much i might
have wanted it to.
By the time friday had dawned on me all i could think
about was drowning my sorrows and pushing everything to
the back of my mind and having a good time without having
to worry about this 'so called realtionship'.
As usual i had Soph to keep me company...i love that
girl, she really knows how to cheer you up and make you
forget all your problems.
That night was so great, it seemed like everyone was at
The Grand. I couldnt ask for a better way to cheer myself
up..it was asif they all knew how i was feeling and wanted
to cheer me up. ther were lots of new people there aswel i
hadnt met before.
I hadnt been down for awhile cause im often stuck
working friday night so it was nice to meet some new
people.

Before i knew it i was completly off my head, and i wasnt
the only one..so i didnt feel like was making a tit of
myself. I started talking to this guy chris. Fuck knows
what we were talking about but it seemed like a evry long
time.I dont know how it came around but before i knew it
he leaned in and started kissing me. I was more shocked
then anything.
I felt like one of those innocent little bunnies
that freeze when they see car head light speeding towards
there doom. I new this was so wrong, i felt that gut
wretching feelin of guilt in my stomach but my head was
just telling me how much i didnt deserve to be treated
like a peice of turd on the bottom of someone shoe.
I soon came to my senses and pulled away and tried
to leave it like thatbut he kept trying to come back for
more. The next thing i new, he was trying to stick his
gruby fingers down my top. I new this was to far and this
is when i told him i had a boyfriend who i was
really 'happy' with. This seemed to make him back off..for
now.
What shocked me even more was how everyone new i had a
boyfriend but none of them really shown a blind bit of
notice even though it was right under everyones noses.
Were they really to drunk to even notice?

Tears were rolling down my face... I just wanted to end my
life now. I felt sick with guilt.Why had it come to this?
Yeah Liam might not be one hundred percent perfect but
as far as im aware he would never stoop that low. This is
what i hated about men. How they could cheat and ruin
people lives liek that just for a minute of excitemtn and
adrenaline. Now i was just like them...i was one big
HYPOCRITE!!! I hated people like that so that must mean i
hated myself and at that very moment i honestly did. I
felt like i had commited the ultimate crime of the
century...i felt like i had big far cheater wrote all
across my face. i didnt know how i was going to face liam.

I got a call from liam...he told me how he had been trying
to phone and text me but got no response.I wasnt sure
whether to believe him or not but at that very moment i
had no right to start accusing people of anything so i
just let things slide.
Things already felt akwared between us, i wonder if he
felt it aswel?
We met up that saturday evening...I really had nothing
to say to Liam. i just kept going over that evening in my
head and how Liam had every right to know what had
happend, I remember the exact moment i was about to tell
him..it had gone really quiet and just as i was about to
open my mouth and spill out everything that had happend...
he inturupted without realising and asked what was wrong
and why i was being so quiet.
This is when i new i couldnt tell him. I felt so
pathetic and weak. I wish he could have just read my mind
so i would neva have to say out loud what had happend.
I just replied 'nothing', but i felt like i said it in
that tone that anyone could read as a lie but he didnt
question it and we just carried on...i still have told him
yet, 5 months on.


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