ginarosebud

g i n a r o s e
2005-03-08 00:05:41 (UTC)

Saw the counselor today...

I was kind of nervous last night about today due to the
fact that I was going to have my first session with Dr.
Clark this morning. It actually went quite well though.
She kept referring to Kyle and Doug as my "lovers" which
almost made me laugh because I was thinking about a Sex
and the City episode where SJP won't stop calling her
boyfriend her "love-ah" and it really annoyed the hell out
of me. Anyway, she was really easy to talk to and I was
happy that i did not burst into tears. I think I am all
cried out though. Thank god...

What did we even talk about... just family backgroud
shit, my last year, yadda, yadda. She wants me to see a
nutritionist and I am willing to do that. I have only been
eating like 300 calories a day so she understands that
there is no way in hell that I would start eating 2,000
calories right away because they would make me feel like I
have to purge. She said that the whole food thing is just
a symptom of what really is the problem, which is what she
wants to get down to. I am thankful for that. I was hoping
that she would not just shove cookies down my throat and
expect me to be happy and everything to be A-ok.

So, I am kind of getting sick of how things are going
with Doug and I. I never get to fucking see him except
when he is sleeping. He is always running around with his
crack-head friends trying to make money from something
illegal, and it never works. It pisses me off. I have been
with him 7 fucking months and he has never taken me out on
a date. How many girls would put up with that? We have
never gone to a movie or out to a sit-down restaurant (not
that I would really eat now, but it would have been nice
before). He does not even set aside a night for me. Lets
take yesterday, for example. He didn't come home the night
before because he was "taking care of something" and he
showed up at 7:00 am and laid with me until 8:00am. Then
he left to "take care of business". Said he would be back
in a little bit, which ended up being 1:00pm. Then he went
to do shit again at 2pm and I went to study. I did not see
him until like 9pm and I had to drive and meet him at a
gas station because he could not drive 3 minutes to pick
me up. I was with him for like 10 minutes and then he had
to go sell someone some shit and said he would be back at
my house at 10pm and would give me a massage. Well, he
shows up at 11pm and brings a friend with him. They sit in
my room and smoke pot and then he leaves to take care of
something and I did not see him until 6:30 am, which is
when he called so I could unlock the door and let him in.
I had school this morning and then my appointment and when
I got back at 1pm he was still sleeping. I read a little
and then he woke up and he talked to me for a little bit
and then left. Now it is 4pm and he said he will be here
in a little bit. He always fucking says that and it ends
up being 3 hours later. I am leaving at 5 to study and I
don't give a damn if I see him or not. I am not going to
sit around and wait for him. I feel like I am of little
importance to him. When I tell him that he gets pissed and
throws in my face the fact that my parents help me out
with everything financially while he has to make his money
whatever way he can. God damnit, I know I deserve better,
but I do care about him so I can't just break up with him.

Grrrr.....




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