If Only....
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2005-03-07 18:01:59 (UTC)

Grey Ice Water

12:43 PM

Consumption of:
* a couple bites of chef boyardee- chili cheese dog a roni
* a sip of sprite

Mood: Disoriented and a little cranky

Feelings: Man, I am a cold hearted Bitch sometimes. PMS
doesn't help.I feel like POOP! I keep having cramps, I
have no Midol to help me through it and I tried taking a
nap only to be woken up and now I am angry. I just got mad
at Alex for not being careful, when he was eating... and
being so repititive it is annoying.I kept thinking when I
was looking into his sad watery little brown eyes, "Oh my
God, I am fucking this Kid up. He is going to be royally
fucked and I am going to have a Nic on my hands." That
isn't what I want- I want for him to be secure, fun,
loving, blah blah blah-all the good things-and MORE LIKE
TYLER. I love that boy for a reason...and mostly is
because he is my true love. Don't get me wrong, Nic isn't
a horrible guy, not even too bad- but I left him for
reasons, and even though I loved him at some time, and
know regardless Alex will have some same qualities- I hope
for Tyler to have a strong enough influence to cloud all
the genetic crap.Anyways, about me upsetting alex:
I told him to eat a little bit more at the table since I
made him a bowl of the same thing, but I think I ruined
his appetite. So I told him he could get down from the
table and play Spiderman2 on Xbox. Afterall,it only makes
sense that I shouldn't be angry with him for not eating-
he could totally turn that around on me if he was aware of
what was going on. So- AVOIDING HYPOCRISY.
I am about to have to go to therapy.
Tyler went through the same anxiety though his first
session. I kind of wish he would have stayed home
completely, but then again-he needs the hours, and it
would be nice to have a decent paycheck come in on friday,
so I am not complaining.
We talked openly and communicated our feelings last night
about our sexual complications...Ya know, not having sex.
It was nice to be able to maturely discuss the situation
even though it was a touchy subject for the both of us.
We agreed to atleast try a little more than what we have
been to make our situation better. Updates will be added.
Last night, he came- Today, I gave him head before work.
And to be frankly honest,even though it would releive some
tension and stress- I am just not in the mood to orgasm.
It is because of my period- I am bleeding heavy right
now...and what not, so I am not interested in cumming.
Tyler and I have been trying hard to keep things great
between us and I think we are appreciating more of one
The other night we got into a fight about choosing wedding
accent colors, there is still no decision made, but I was
offended that he didn't even consider my suggestion
especially since the two colors I mentioned-blue/green,
were symbolic of our eye colors.But anyways, We have lots
of planning to do and nothing has really been
accomplished.So, I better get to it pretty soon. I am
going to go have a cigarette, maybe being outside will
brighten me up a little bit.
I feel like I should eat more, but I am so bloated that I
feel full-So I will just wait until this feeling passes.
I will update soon enough...

So long, Farewell....