Let me just say
Its not sex with S* Im afther, its him. But me contacting
me, us seeing each other agen might lead to sex and Im
prepared for that, I wont run away this time because now Im
ready for it. Even though it means that Im cheating with
Tommy. He will not know I`ve done someting wrong this time
and I will be the one who have to live with the guilt.
I want S* for a number of reasons, and Im talking about the
person here not the sex, because I get get as much sex as I
want from Tommy.
I might have dislead you in my previous entry and I didnt
mean to do that. I want S* because he`s been so good to be,
because I feelt he loved me, becaus I sense that he stil
loves me, because I admirer him as a person, I love and
miss miss miss the way we where and I wanna feel alive agen.
Im not using him, thats part of my thinking to do things in
a way that he dont get used, hurt or anything else thats
bad, I take that on me if something should come up, and if
Tommy some how finds out I knoe that our relationship will
be over cause he cant forgive cheating and I`ll live with
Its not sex its the person, but most likely it will lead to
sex and I wont lie and say something else.
This thing is just so complicated and its had to explain
its just in to, somethimes I understand how silly it might
seem to others, who have not been a part of us the way we
used to be.And I agree with what I belive they must be
thinking. Other times I so into our world and it seems so
brilant and fine.
And the strange thing is, if, cause I`ve been thinking of
every aspecf this, he dont answer me when I contact him, I
can live with it because I tryed. For the first time in my
life I feel I can live with been turned down.