Angel

DayDream Believer
2005-03-07 13:49:20 (UTC)

What I come to say

As I said I started thinking a lot when I went away. I know
I should have done it long time ago, but sometimes if there
is a problem and you dont like it, its much easyer to
pretend you dont see it and live happily ever afther. For
example mothers who see but dont wanna see whet their
husbands do to ther children, for exaple sexually abuse. Im
not a big fan of Freud, but here we agree.
A lot of this has to to with Tommy, my boyfriend. This
easter have we known each other for three years. Three
years is sutch a long time and short time in the same time.
He have been sutch a huge part of my life for the past
three years. To big a part, I need to be more me instead
of "me and Tommy" if you know what I mean.
But its hard, its hardt to go anway from him, most of the
time I dont want to, he might not want to let me go and
that leave me with guilt or he seems fine with it wich
leave me sad, bacse he should not, so sad that I dont want
to leve.
And its hard because my two best friends bouth moved away
so there are not allways a good friend I can go to. I`ve
been missing that a lot lately.

When I was away I though a lot about S*. Right afther new
year I was hit by the idea of how my problems with me keept
me appart for him previolsy must have left him thinking it
was him. So I did some thinking about it, and came up with
the idea that I should contact him and we should have sex
around my birthday. 8witch is this Sunday) You may not see
the logic in this, have sex with S*???
I understand that for everybody else it must seem crazy,
but for me its some how logic. It have been in our plans
since our feelings grew stronger that we should, but I had
all these issues then, and didnt even wanted to meet him.
It was not about sex, not about him, only me. He was to
perfect for me. All tgough for everyone else he must have
seemd everything but perfect.
I stoped thininking about him agen before my holiday and I
rememberd my plan, and I decided to stay with it, but think
things trugh.
So I started thinking and working. Qestions like why do I
want to do this? what to I want from him? what happends
afther? what if Tommy finds out? I decided that if I should
do it I should do it properly and think things really trugh
first. It was just not gonna be one of those silly things
that happends, it was gonna be a real choice taken by me,
about how I wanted my life.
As I said I did a lot of thinking about it then, it was had
things that came up that week I worked with, but also good
things. It made me happy, I finaly had a plan over my life
agen.
When I came beck it was like I left that "silly cant
happend in real world" dream /plan at the airport. It made
me a bit depressed so I decided to take the dream back and
it helped.
Now, I`m not finich thinking and going trugh all the things
I should be done with before it happend, so Im gonna wait a
little bit more I think.

When I was abroad I read the fist biography about Jannice
Dickingson. The fist supermodel in the world and in the
jury for three seasons in Tyra Banks Americas next Top
Model. In the jury she is a little bit pissed and bitchy
jury member, Tommy hats her. In reality she is this
amazingly strong person. She had a father who was drinking
and a mother using pills. Her father tryed to sexually
abuse her (but she didnt wanted to suck his cock) he did
sexually abuse her older sister, and she was in the next
room worring. The sister tok the first oppertunety to get
out of the house, wich left Jannice worring if her father
now was gonna force her to suck him since he dint have her
sister, og if he was gonna start with her litte sister. She
lived trugh Vouge and other magazines, and fighted herself
from a Califorina girl who every model agency said looked
to etnic to be on the cover of Vouge, Cosmo, Blomingdales,
and the one every model agency wanted. And she never forgot
who helped her on her way and who was an total ass.
She went into studio 54 without standing in line, Gia gave
her heroin when their model mother had asked Jannice to
look afther Gia, she`s sleept with more selebreites then we
can even imagine, ans she is not afrid to tell how they
was.
But she had a lot of men issues, her career was great she
was not. She was friends with Giovanni Vercage, Calvin
Klein and Good know who and stil loong afther his death
(who she causted)she could hear his voice in her head the
way he had told her as a child that she will never amount
to anyting.
She helped her sisters from their bad running way marriges
into good carriers and better men. She had three faild
marriges (one of the wedding dresses was designed by Karl
Langerfild) she wanted a baby to bad, got pregnat and her
boyfriend forced her into having an abortion, it made her
resist him so they broke it. She had a baby with husband
number two simon Cowell, got pregnant agen afther 6 mothes,
he feelt they had a nught with one baby now, and she said
please dont make me have an abortion it will only make me
resist you, he did and they where over. Pregnant the 4th
time she was unmarrid and did not know the father of her
baby, she had been sleeping with 3 men in one week, one of
them Sylvester Stalone. First they tought he was the
father, but dna proved wrong. It took the little gril 7
years before she got to meet her daddy. In the mean time
Jannice hand fighted drug and alcholol abuse. Before she at
a age 40 figuers out what was wrong with her and why
everything in her life exept her two children who she loved
for went wrong.
She lived her life trough her fathers eyes, beliving she
was not worth a thing. And she feelt she needed men to
complete her. But she was complete as she was, and now men
is just some thing to have fun with, she dont need them to
be her.


I can see myself so much in Jannice life, Im reading her
second book now, but its mor about fake beauty then about
her life.
I see myself trugh my fathers eyes. And Im just noot good
enught. And afther 20 years of trying I`ve given up, so I
dont try to be good enugh I just walk around knowing Im
not. I dont belive in my self or that I can do anything or
make things happend anymore.
There are sevral problems related to my father. I guess I
suffer from the good girl syndrom. He have been so mean to
me and stil I love him.
Last time I sow him I hand to hold him down and call the
police because he was cating thrething towards us. We was
just in the house to pick up some things that belongs to us
and he went crazy.
Still here Im , feeling a but quilty because he must be
lonly and feeling sorry for him. Hello!! Whats wrong with
me. Feeling sorry for him the way he`s been treating me?? I
dont want bad things to happend to him. I know he`ll never
stop drinking and that he only will get worse and worse,
and I`ve settle with it. Its not a problem with me like it
was, I`ve found my peace with him. I dont want him to
suffer, not even from guilt, I just want him to die so I
can stop worring about him. I dont wish him any pain or
hurt.

I`ve kind of settled with Tommy as well. But in a diffrent
way. I dont try to change him as much as I dint, things he
say dont hurt me like they once did (but that come from
something else) I like him and sometimes we`re great and
sometimes we`re not. I can no longer see a future for us,
not a house of our own and not children. I want children,
badly, but not with him. So what Im saying is that one day
will break, me, him who knows, I havent told him this yet,
mybe I wont. It might be a waste of time to be with him
when I know he`s not mr right but Im not ready to end it
right now.
Hopefully I will before my next birthday, but I wont
promise anything. I`ve discoverd a lot of things about me
and Tommy the last week. And I will go trugh those later
one day.
I`ve read in magazines thay the way I think are verry
common for girls these times, nor mr rigth but mr right now.
Ive started to have this fear that there are no such thing
as me right, but Im not ready go give up on that dream yet.

And about Chris, I said I did some thinking about him
aswell. I am dissapointed that he dont contact me, I do hoe
he one day will. There was not much thinking about Chris,
most of the three seconds Chris was involved was that I
think Im the kind of girl who like the bad boys kind of men.
Mybe, mybe not..

I`ll write more later

Love Angel




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