This weekend really sucked. Friday my husband comes home in
a bad mood. He gets mad at me for something stupid. He goes
upstairs pouting like a kid. I go up there, not yelling or
anything, just to try and help him, talk to him and see if
I can help. He keeps saying nothings wrong. So I ask him
why is he in a bad mood. Then he says do I have to leave.
Well, then I get mad. I tell him no we'll leave. I go
downstairs and tell our daughter to get her coat on. We
left and I started driving. I had no clue where to go. I
went and got gas, headed for route 4. I went to ask my
daughter if she wanted to eat. She didn't answer, I look
and she's asleep. So I stop at a burger king and get me a
meal. I sit in the car while she's sleeps and I eat. Then I
drove around for about 2 hours. Letting her sleep and I'm
just thinking. I get home, fix my daughter something to eat
and I get a bath. I basically sit in the tub and cry for
about an hour. Later that night I go to bed and turn on the
radio. My husband comes up there and asked me if I'm going
sleep. I said no. He then says he's sorry about earlier. I
say ok. I ended up staying up half the night. Mainly
because he was on the computer half the night. He got on it
somewhere around 6pm and didn't get off until about 3:30am.
My mind was doing overtime wondering what was going on. Why
in the hell does he have to stay on that thing so long?
When he finally get off he get in the recliner and goes
asleep. Never coming to bed at all. Never did talk to me
the rest of the night even though he knew I was up.
Saturday I decided to ask him about susie's email address.
And of course he gets mad. I asked him why he did that when
he got all bent out of shape when a male friend from work
emailed me. He says he a different person now and that he
looks at things differently. So I guess it's ok when he
thinks it's ok. Doesn't matter what I think or feel, just
as long as it's fine with him. He makes a smart comment and
says I forgot that I'm not an adult and can't do things for
myself. He thinks that I'm trying to be his mother and tell
him what he can and cannot do. It's not that at all. I feel
that when people are married that they should spend time
together. Like friday, we spent no time at all together,
but he spent 9 1/2 hours on the computer. He gets up
saturday morning and what does he do?, gets back on it.
Stay on it till about 2pm. I guess I just don't understand.
I'm really trying but I've about had it with all of this. I
keep asking myself, what is it going to be like when I'm
6,7,8 months pregnant. Am I still going to feel alone? Is
he still going to be distant from me and upset about the
baby? All I know is that he has to be alot better by the
time the baby's due. If things haven't changed or are
getting worse I think things will be over. I don't want to
do that but I can't give up my job and let him destroy me
so when he does decided to give up I have nothing. I can't
be stupid about this and be blind to what could happen. I
keep praying that he's telling me the truth when he says he
loves me and never will leave me. That he looks at our
marriage differently now and wants to be with me till the
day he dies. One day here soon I'm going to ask him what he
means by looking at it differently. Maybe next time our
daughter is spending the night somewhere. I figure too that
I'll wait a couple weeks and ask him about susie, just to
see if he or she has spoke to each other. Maybe ask him
about his blog too. I just need to know things. When he
don't tell me anything I feel like he's hiding things.
Maybe I'm wrong for being this way. I just having a hard
time and I need time to heal, I guess. Lord help me, fix my
life and my family. Let us be happy and healthy. Help my
husband. I want him to be happy and be my husband again.