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2005-03-07 04:58:59 (UTC)

Blah de blah BLAH!!!!!

So yeah, i havn't written in my diary in a while so i
figured i would just for the hell of it. Life is just
crazy. You would think that i would want life to to be at
least a litle bit crazy just to make things interesting
but, no, I'm sick of it. I am just sick of it. Most of my
problems are at home. Especially with my parents. I just
can't get along with them anymore. I try but its just not
worth it anymore. I find myself always just locking myself
up in my roon just to get away from everything. I can't
wait to get my own life going, get a job, move into my OWN
house, live with whoever i want and just be so much
happier. I know thats every 18 year olds dream but i am so
incredibly miserable at my house its not even funny. I'm
constantly figuring out ways to get out and do something
and go somewhere just so i don't have to stay at my house.
Sean worked today. There wasn't really much for me today
cuz he's pretty much the only person i hang out with so i
pretty much did nothing today. I went to the beach to take
some pictures for my photo class and i just sat on a big
sand hill and looked out at the Lake and the sand. It's so
beautiful even in the winter time. Sitting there helped me
think and just clear my mind about stuff. You would think
it wouldn't, but sometimes just sitting by urself in peace
really does help. So after a while, i got up and decided
to go home to my room and sleep for a bit. Sean text
messaged me and kept telling me he was bored and he just
wanted out of there, so i figured, hey, maybe i could try
and be a good girlfriend for once and go keep him company.
Well, guess that wasn't a good idea. I ended up getting
him in trouble and he got mad at me, and i got mad at him
for getting mad at me, and ugh, it just wasn't cool. All i
wanted to do was help, but i guess thats not a good thing
to do. So anyways, we sat in my car in the parking lot and
talked things out, and i think everything is okay now. I
hope. I just wish i could be a better girlfriend for Sean.
Like seriously! I'm so bad at being a girlfriend. The
other day we were looking at his scrapbooks and we came
accross a page with a newspaper page with Seans picture in
it saying happy birthday. At first i thought it was from
his mom but he said it wasn't. The picture had hearts on
it and stuff so i thought, great, its from a girlfriend.
Wow, i felt like so much shit. I wish i coulda been smart
enough and sweet enough to do stuff like that. Ugh, i'm
stupid. So i dunno. It's getting to the point where i just
wanna give up. Anything i do, i'm not gonna feel good
enough. That's just how its always been with me. Yes guys,
i feel like shit today, i'm PMSing, and i don't wanna go
to school tomorrow or work! I just wanna lay in my bed and
go to sleep for about a week or so and forget about
everything in my mind and just start all over. Ofcourse
i'd be laying in bed with Sean cuz i could barely survive
a whole day without him let alone a whole week. lol, so
yeah, wish me luck guys, its gonna be a loooong week...

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