lcs6016

lcs6016
2005-03-07 03:01:31 (UTC)

Coping

As I mentioned in my last entry things have not been going
my way lately. I decided on friday that the best solution
was to put on a happy face and try to be strong about it
all. So far this has been working, but Im pretty sure
that at some point its all just gonna hit me and I will
have one of my cry fests in which kal will have to rub my
back and reassure me that sooner or later it will all come
together. They say things come in threes....for me it
seems more like dozens. I actually had a pretty good day
on friday. I rode really well and just had a good time
enjoying my horses. Saturday things went back to their
shitty selves. I rode like absolute shit...got a score of
35/100...my all time low. Then my dirtbike was
stolen...my brand new dirtbike. My shitty saturday led me
and my mother to go out on saturday night with her best
friend and her daughter.

My initial plan for the night was to just have dinner and
then go home and sleep. While sitting at dinner my mother
began to annoy me and tried to get me to talk about
my "feelings" about everything that was going on. She
then told me that I had lost too much weight again and
that I shouldnt let the crap in my life cause me to revert
to self-destructive ways. I guess I kind of listened to
her...I hate dinner but then proceeded to get absolutely
wasted. I figured that the more I had to drink the more
I would forget about all the shit going on and most
importantly be able to drown her out from my head. She
honestly was being so damn annoying...talking to the
waiter and asking him if he thought I was cute...talk
about embarassing. After 5 glasses of wine I decided that
no matter how drunk I got I would still be able to ride
better the next morning than I had that day...so what do
we do...we go to the bars. Annie, me, and our moms. It
was suprisingly fun. Annie and I spent the entire night
avoiding the men that our mothers had attempted to pick up
for us. I swear my mother has the worst taste ever. What
also pisses me off is that whenever I ask her to set me up
with someone she wont...but when I tell her that I found a
guy that I like and that I want to see where its going she
immediately starts looking. I really dont think she wants
me to have anyone...I dont know. Anyways annie and I did
a few shots with our moms...I have pictures of it too. My
mom got so wasted that she met an older man from canada
and I decided that it was inappropriate and called my dad
and made him talk some sense into her. Not one of my most
matrue moments, but definately worth it. After a few
hours we left the classy biker bar and started to head to
the cars...no one was in any position to drive, but we
needed a ride home. On the way to the cars we passed a
club and I figured that I needed to go in...proceeded to
tell them that I was too good to pay the cover and just
went straight in and danced in the back with annies mom.
Annie had to come and drag us out. This is when it got
interesting. My mother couldnt walk a straight line and
was acting like a child. I drove her home, and thankfully
did not get pulled over for I would be in jail otherwise.
We get back to the condo building and my mom thinks it
would be funny to run down the hall knocking on everyones
door. My mother is 55...what is wrong with her?

We finally get home, I put my mom to bed and make a few
phone calls....the lucky recipients were kal and randy.
Kal was wasted at this point too so Im not sure exactly
what was said. I forced randy to get out of bed and talk
to me...not really sure why people put up with this shit
from me, but Im glad they do. After a bit I finally go to
bed...apparently I changed on the balcony...not sure what
was going on with that. At around 3:30 I rolled over in
bed and saw that I had a voicemail...instead of calling it
like a normal person I called kal...I dont think I thought
I was calling her cause I was shocked when a human
answered. Apparently the conversation went something
along the lines of me saying "I didnt mean to call you, I
dont want to talk to you, Im going to bed." I do not
remember any of this conversation and kal didnt even
remember me calling her. What was I doing making calls at
that hour? To put an end to this story that no one but
annie and me will find humorous...I had to wake up at 5:30
and go ride...and guess what...I was good...really really
good. Maybe I should ride hungover more often.

I guess it was a good night with a lot of fun
memories...but Im not sure I would do it again...not
without kal by my side anyways. Looking back on it I also
dont like the fact that I was drinking to forget
things...thats not my style and I dont want it to become
what I do. I guess this is my way of telling you all that
things in my life arent going to be easy the next month or
so and that means that I will be difficult at times. Its
almost like a disclaimer so that all of you will continue
to be there for me. You know Im not a big fan of asking
for help or opening up about my issues so it might take a
bit of coaxing on your part. So thank you in advance for
putting up with my shit and helping me get through this in
my own way.




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