oh The AGONY!!!
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2005-03-06 12:37:22 (UTC)


I`m in a rut. or a funk. I`m definitely in something. I stayed in Kamogawa
this weekend, and last weekend too even though I was supposed to drive up
to see caroline, but I got sick. so now she`s in new zeland for seventeen
days and I`m going slightly nuts. I really got used to having her around. her
e-mails and phone calls make this place bearable, but now that she`s gone,
I`m slowly getting pulled into this whateverness. I called some friends
yesterday. I even called greg. we had a nice talk and it was comfortable for
most of the time. I was pretty surprised. he`s such a great talker. now I
remember how I could just sit across from him for hours and hours talking
over coffees. should I really be reminded of that right now though? I`m
having some doubts about staying another year. I mean, it hasn`t even been
one year yet, and I`m getting kinda goofy. I just want the money so bad. I
want a nice car and a great apartment and things when I move back. I`m so
materialistic! I can`t help it! I`ve always been this way. Happiness to me are
shoes, purses, cds, dvds, books.. I don`t have enough saved right now to
have nice things yet. but if I moved to chicago in august, I wouldn`t really
need a car. I could get a place with mark and we`d share the rent, so I might
be able to live off what I have for a little while til I find a good job. I don`t
know what to do. I`m not estatic about staying here another seventeen
months, but I know that if I come home now I won`t be suddenly happy or
anything. I`ll probably feel just as lonely and out of place there. It`s so easy
for me to idealize coming home, and see only the good stuff. But at home
I`m so much more accountable for my life. Here, it`s like I`m doing enough
just by being here. no one questions my being here or what I`m doing here,
because I`m here. I think if my family and friends knew just how mind
numbingly little work I do here, they`d be pissed. It`s like some big dark
secret. I`m not purposefully trying to hide the truth from them. It`s just
that nobody really asks. and it`s not like they could understand if they did.
It`s all so unbelievable. I`d like to think that my friends would understand if
they could, and would do the same as me, take advantage of the situation.
live like a king!! but I don`t see my friends having the patience for the
bullshit and downside of this job, which is the actual job itself. The job is not
a job. It`s a vacation from reality. I am in a constant state of zoned out.
From the moment I wake up until I go to sleep I`m in a daze, just going
through the motions of someone working, without ever actually doing
anything. I like to think I deserve this break. that I need it. but the truth is, I
don`t know how this can do anything but cripple me terribly when I go home
someday and have to work a real 9 to 5 job and I`m actually held accountable
for my performance. A job where I could actually be fired, where I`m aware
of everything going on. That sounds good, but at the same time like some
kind of nightmare. you must realize I`ve been living in a fantasy the last
seven months. this is not real life. I know that. But I can`t figure out what
is. Or if I want it. there are times when the isolation of this place seems
more than I can bear. I`ve gotten used to being the different one. I`m no
longer shy about going outside or buying things I need. I don`t care that
people stare at me or that I can barely make myself understood. I had to get
over these things otherwise I wouldn`t have lasted more than a month here.
but the fact of the matter is, I still haven`t gotten over the loneliness. I don`t
even have swiss with me. I was thinking today a pet would change my life. I
need something, some sort of companionship. but I would hate to have to
leave this place and not be able to bring it with me. I wish swiss could fly out
here today. god, I miss her so much. I never wanted to be away from her
this long, and now I`m afraid she`ll grow very attached to my brother and
won`t want to leave him. I mean, by the time I return, she will have known
him longer than she`s known me. is it really fair to rip her away from a
comfortable life with jon and ask her to start over with me? Isn`t that really
selfish? will jon even want to give her back? I`m scared. I`ve lost so much
since coming here. I`ve gotten a lot, but my whole life is shaken up. I can`t
loose her too. so I have to decide if i`m doing the right thing or not. I have
to decide if going home in five months will be more beneficial for me than
staying another year in Japan. On one hand, I`ll have more money saved and
more experiences here, but on the other hand I`ll have spent another year
being completely worthless. But wouldn` t I be worthless at home too? I
mean, would working at half price books really be making some huge
contribution to society and be more fufilling than living alone in Japan for a
year? When you put it like that, it sounds like I`m better off here. Maybe my
job doesn`t require my full potential, but that`s true of a lot of jobs out
there. And none of my friends work real 9 to 5 jobs. They work in coffee
shops and video stores. I`d be facing the same kind of life if I was home. I
think I can allow myself to stay if I promise to get back on track. I have to
make work. I have to think about grad schools. I have to figure out what I
want to do with my life instead of being a zombie mon-fri. I`ve gotten in the
habit of going easy on myself. it was so easy to make excuses because I`m
in a strange place and I don`t know anyone and I can`t read or speak the
language. I took pity on myself and just let go. I needed to do that. But now
that that stuff is over. Now that I`m adjusted and stronger and braver,
I need to grab hold of the reigns again and pull myself together. I say all
these things, and while I`m saying them, I know it will never happen. my
brain is an overcooked limp noodle. at least I`ve acknowledged the problem.
that`s step one. Now I have to go about putting a plan into action. this is
time that doesn`t have to be wasted. this is time that could be spent doing
something amazing. perhaps that`s what frusterates me to no end. never in
my life will I have this kind of freedom again. never again will I be paid to sit
and do my own thing for several hours a day, I`m squandering it! The next
step is to assign myself diligently to something. I need an undertaking. I
need to do something amazing. I need to start holding myself accountable.

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