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2005-03-06 04:29:12 (UTC)

Love or just management

Today I question our love. I'm not sure I love him
anymore, but I can't really remember what that feels like.
I don't know if I know how to love him anymore. It's like
it changed every day and then it just sort of went away.
There's a lot of resentment here together now and I feel a
rotting feeling in my stomache when I think about him and
how everything seems to be about him and keeping him happy.
Maybe I've only just lost myself since we've had
children. It's not like I'm overwhelmed with them. Being
that we're both home with them all the time and he does at
least half of the childcare if not more, I can't say it's
because of the kids that I'm so dreadfully unhappy. I'm not
that wonderful of a mother. He's not that great of a
father. He's so involved with other things, and I'm so
stressed by other things we just seem to do what we need to
for their well-being. We have gone above and beyond at
times and for many things for them. And I don't mean
material things, but when it comes to their brain
development, their personal expression...they are
extraordinary when it comes to being extraordinary and even
eccentric. We have never stifled their differences. We've
done okay, but I desperately want to do better as their
parent and at preparing them for the world. I'm not sure he
does. I think he wants to make himself happy and try not to
screw us up too badly in the process.
Tonight I hate him and everything he does. Of course I
can say the same of myself and maybe he even feels the same
way about me. There was a time the thought of him not
loving me or leaving me would upset me horribly...I'm not
sure it does now. Sometimes when he is talking, usually
about some new project, or about music in general, or really
anything that has to do with him...it's like I shut him off.
I nod my head and painfully smile, but I can't stand to
listen to it anymore. I'm pulling my hair out and clawing
my skin to shreds inside my head. I'm surprised I have
enough room in my head for anything more than counting,
repeating phrases, thinking of how I could change my life
drastically. And I'm not just obsessive compulsive because
it's a stupid fad right now. It's always here, but it's
louder when things are so screwed up around me.
I remember us pre-marriage, pre-children. We would
ride around in his car listening to music, listening to
eachother, being in love. Holding hands, kissing just
because. Sometimes I smell something or see a wonderful
piece of him that takes me back there. I still love that
guy. I loved this girl back then too. I was thin and nicer
to look at those years ago. Almost ten years since we got
married. The tenth year anniversary is pretty important. I
desperately want to be thinner for that and before I turn
30. I'm getting older, so is he, but he does it better than
me. Men seem to. I want to be happy when I'm thirty, and
healthy again. If I was, maybe I would love him better.
Maybe I would just leave. I think we would all be better off.
Three hours ago I was steaming because he left again.
I again don't get to do what I need to because I had to be
mommy, which I like, but not when he makes things like this.
I'm not so mad now and I hear him coming in the door. I
think I will avoid him tonight. I don't know. I would like
to have sex. Boy, one extreme to the other, but sex isn't
about love anymore in this f**kin' house. It's definitely
about a release. I need to release. Maybe I'll just eat
instead. That's obviously what I've been doing anyway.


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