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2005-03-06 02:37:00 (UTC)

Motivations and Misgivings

Maybe by writing this I'll figure out how I feel. I am
appologizing right now for anything I might say that is
inaccurate, cruel, or just plain wrong, but I'm bothered
and I need figure out my state of mind. I feel... well...
i don't even know how to term what I feel right now. I
have realized that you can never say yes... or no for that
matter. There is always a probably or a maybe or give me
time to decide. Now I realize that you want to keep your
options open, and that is perfectly acceptable most of the
time, but this is EVERY time. It is as if you're like,
well, I'll spend time with you, if nothing better comes
along, if no one else wants me around, if I feel like it,
if I'm bored out of my mind, as if waiting for something
prettier or more exciting to come along. This implies
that there are a great many things that are prettier and
more exciting than I am. I realize this is true, but no
girl wants to admit that it's true. It is a great wound
to my pride when I think about how I have felt about you
and realize that I'm just a fallback plan. Since we've
broken up, you have said that you still find me
attractive, but you have not implied that my personality
is still attractive and I'm obviously not date worthy.
You may think that these thoughts stem from the fact that
you said you were going to hang out with Brittany
tonight. If you do, then you, I'm sorry to say, are
wrong. I have felt this way for a week or two now. I
realized the pattern. I'll ask if you want to do
something or another and you'll almost invariably reply
with some statement of unsureness and if not, there is a
no involved. Sometimes I'd rather you just tell me no. I
feel worthless sometimes, and that's not entirely your
fault. There is some Elenor Roseveltt quote that would
agree that people can only make you think less of yourself
with your permission; in any case, I do. Now as to
hanging out with Brittany. I intended not to show my
jealousy because I don't want to put any damper on your
fun (that is if I am even capable of such a influence.)
Any species with a brain knows I'm jealous, and I'm sorry,
but I do want you to have fun. That's what love is: You
don't want me; I set you free; I have to be happy for you
when you find what does make you happy. This is all only
one side of the problem though... In my position, there is
the possibilty that I could be terrible and commit the sin
of "rebounding." I do NOT want to do this. Here's the
story for those of you who haven't forsaken my verbose
ramblings yet. (I might add that it doesn't matter, for
diary is for my own purposes, whether it entertains a
single reader or not.) Andrew calls me at 1:00 last night
and was either extremely hyper or a little tipsy. It was
quite a comical conversation. The gist is: That I needed
to get over Jon, that he was a jerk and I could do much
better. (Once again I add that he says this from lack of
knowledge of Jon and an over-protective nature towards
me.) He thinks I should date someone in the music school,
in marching band, in his fraternity, the one, the only,
Phil Turner. Now I love Phil to death. Anyone would have
to. I will admit that his wonderful personality makes him
attractive. I cannot picture myself dating him though. I
dunno. Everyone loves him, but I would want to make sure
my motivations were honorable. I'm afraid that wouldn't
be at this point in time. If I were going to date Phil, I
would want to make sure he got a fair chance at my heart,
not one thats as clouded and distracted as it is now. I
can't picture being remotely physical with him, I mean
even just holding hands. He's too good for me in my
opinion. Phil is the kind of guy I would like to date
under most circumstances. The kind that everyone sees as
a nice guy, a gentleman. I wouldn't want him to be a
rebound. I wouldn't want him to be a distraction from the
way I feel about Jon. I don't know if phil heard andrew
call me. It was awkward because, he got to talk to him
for quite a while today becuase he was handing out
programs and I was sitting with Jasmine's mom while she
had her theory interview. I don't know. Misgivings all
around and another night alone. with my book.
procrastinating. feeling worthless or taken for granted.
(while I feel all this, I also feel that it is very self-
centered of me to feel this way. I appologize.) What is
it about this New Albany boys.

What is wrong with me?!?!?!
And to top it all off... I'm losing my freakin' voice!

Final thought: No, I mean maybe, maybe I mean yes

Final thought: Every now and then I get a little bit
lonely and you're never comin' round. Every now and then
I get a little bit tired of listenin' to the sound of my
tears, every now and then I get a little be nervous that
the best of all the years have gone by. Every now and
then I get a little bit terrified but then I see the look
in your eyes. Every now and then I fall apart. Every now
and then I get a little bit restless and I dream of
something wild. Every now and then I get a little bit
helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms. Every
now and then I get a little bit angry and you know I got
to get out and cry. Every now and then I get a little bit
terrified but then I see the look in your eyes. Every now
and then I fall apart.

....Later.... I don't like how I'm feeling. I don't wanna
feel like this.